OK, these were so damn good that I'm just going to change the rules some. And even at that, I'll have to leave out some of the ones that really made me laugh, like Karin and Boo's ambivalent homages to their home states and Morgan's Latin-intensive adherence to the Linnaean theme. But courage! We procede.
Fifth PlaceTwo classic, beautifully-formed limericks -- in fact, I would have sworn that I had heard of that lady of Kush before. I hadn't. Very satisfying in and of themselves, these entries are at fifth, arguably unfairly, only because of their tangential adherence to theme.
La Gringissima
An elegant lady of Kush,
Was walking out in the bush,
A monkey swung by,
Whacked her right in the eye,
And she landed smack dab on her tush.
Elizabeth
Of pets, we all know
Felis cattusIs the one that provides the most satis-
Fying ownership
They don't give us no lip
They just sit on our laps and purr at us.
Fourth PlaceChance deviated from the limerick form to provide this first-ever, to my knowledge, instance of the Phyrgian gonzo sonnet:
The ancient kingdom of Phrygia
(You never once heard of it, didja?)
Flourished in what is now modern Turkey
With an early history that is murky
But didn't last long under that name:
The Cimmarians (of Conan fame)
And the Lydians and the Persians
Were among those who made incursions.
It fell to Greek swords and Greek bowmen,
And later was forced to become Roman.
And now you know just a little smidgen
Of the ancient kingdom that was Phrygian.
I hope you enjoyed this lesson
And the silly way in which I rhymed it,
Now I must, though, be confessin',
It took nine minutes to write (I timed it).
Third PlaceIn third, a quartet of limericks on the topic of dental hygeine. I love the inclusive take on "dental hygeine" in all four instances, and all four made me guffaw audibly.
karmasartre
I once switched toothpaste, from Ipana to Crest
Without any idea which one was the best
Neither one did the job
But you won't hear me sob
There's a female hygienist sprawled on my chest
Dan
It doesn’t take much of a sleuth,
To sort out the fate of my tooth:
A cheap, lousy stripper,
A refusal to tip her,
And a bouncer who wasn’t quite couth.
fingerstothebone
My cat, a specimen quite supple,
Lacks a certain lady-like scruple,
Nightly I brush her fangs,
While she chews on my bangs,
Then she likes to suck her own nipple!
Phineas
Poor brushing can bring gingivitis
Or worse, severe periodontitis
The ladies insist
On good dental habits
Or you’ll risk a lack of their coitus
Second PlaceThe second-place winners share an adherence to theme and a rock-solid conformance to limerick meter. Rebel further had the good sense to get in a little pandering, and Jen has a little bit of whatshisname going on there. What IS his name.... Oh! Ogden Nash is who I'm thinking of.
Rebel
There was a young man from Eugene
with no concept of dental hygiene.
He'd not floss, brush, nor rinse,
but he'd smile like a prince.
'Cause a Duck has no teeth to keep clean!
Jen
Is the ternpike a bird or a fish?
Linnaeus is no use. I wish
I could make a distinction
In case of extinction
Or in case one shows up on my dish.
First PlaceAlthough I realize it must be unseemly to judge in favor of my wife again, I am sufficiently stunned by her four-limerick paeon to oddball fauna of the Australian bush and happily hand her the prize for Event #5.
This egg-laying mammal's no wuss, he's
the toast of all Gillawatussie.
In prehistory's muck
water rat mounted duck
and the genome got all platypussy.
These monotreme freaks of Australia
have electrolocation to nail ya.
She gives milk without nipples,
he's got venom that cripples,
and embarrassingly crude genitalia.
Taxonomic description-defier,
platypuses are mammals just under the wire.
What determines their sex is
not just Y's and X's
but ten-chromosome stews of desire.
Ornithorhyncus anatinus, you make a
splendid genetic fruitcake. A
blessing upon
your far billabong,
may your eggs safely pass your cloaca.
7. What is described by this basic physics formula?
