Saturday, October 31, 2009

Halloween Special: Spreading the Bat Love

In Outraged Opposition to Business or Leisure?

(Names have been changed to those of people I went to high school with. Not sure why.)

me: Liz, how do you feel about bats?
Liz: baseball bats, or flittery bats that sleep upside down and use sonar?
me: The flittery ones.
Liz: It is my opinion that they are neat.
me: They're awesome, am I right?
Liz: Yes, I would even go so far as to say they are awesome, considering their swoopyness and mosquito-eating.
me: I'm glad we are of one mind on this.
Liz: Me too

me: Cindy, how do you feel about bats?
You can think about it and get back to me if you like.
Cindy: sorry, too absorbed in social opportunity crafting
me: I understand.
Cindy: i.e., glued to gmail trying to calibrate four persons' schedule so we can drink cocktails dammit
but how about you?! :)
me: Me?
I'm pro-bat.
Cindy: Bats are OK but only if far away.
me: Bats are awesome.
They control the insect population and what-not.
Plus, they flit about!
Cindy: We couldn't sleep one night in El Salvador 'cause the bats were throwing themselves up to our interior eaves about every .5 minute.
me: Well, back to work for me.
Bat love, baby.
Cindy: Fly on, Michael!

me: Steve, how do you feel about bats?
Steve: hmm. i think bats are pretty cool. they're kind of ugly, but that's not really their fault, right? why?
me: Right. It ISN'T their fault.
Steve: they provide a pretty cool ecological service and, let's face it, sonar is pretty badass.
me: Totally badass.
I'm spreading the pre-Halloween bat love.
Steve: ah. good. do it.
me: Bats are the shit.
Steve: they deserve way more love than they get too.
me: I'm glad we see eye to eye on this one.

me: So Tina, how do you feel about bats?
Tina: baseball bats?
me: No no
BATS bats.
Hanging upside down...
Tina: gross.
me: Oh come on!
Bats are awesome!
Tina: Not going to help you get rid of a bat in your attic.
me: You have to admit they're very ecofriendly.
Being part of the ecosystem and all.
Tina: Yes, they are, and I appreciate all that they do.
But I still don't like them.
me: I'm just trying to spread some pre-Halloween bat love.
Tina: oh okay.

me: Sherri, how do you feel about bats?
If you're too busy, I'll just put you down for "Bats are awesome."
Sherri: bats, eh?
i have no problem with them, but that's because i have very little interaction with them
me: They're cute in a battish sort of way.
Sherri: i think only the good looking, caught on a nature special ones are.
run of the mill bats are just that
me: Every bat is beautiful in its own way, Sherri.
Plus, they control the insect population and what not.
Sherri: one of those things is true
me: You just want the benefits of bats without giving anything in return.
Bat user.
Sherri: precisely
if nothing else, i am a bat user

me: Hi, Stephanie.
Taking a poll: are you pro-bat or anti-bat?
Stephanie: Hey Michael. I'm not sure.
me: Well, they're good about keeping down the insect population....
Plus, the whole sonar thing is AWFULLY cool...
Stephanie: i guess i'm actualy pro-bat
(I guess I'm a little biased about this poll)
Stephanie: haha. cool.

me: John, how do you feel about bats?
John: baseball or vampire?
me: Well, vampire.
And their kin.
John: they are pretty cool...I like how they fly right toward you and barely miss all because they heard you were there
me: Good answer.
Bats are awesome.

me: How do you feel about bats, Maureen?
Maureen: I like bats!
Bats are cute, and they eat insects, and I'm sad that they're being wiped out by the fungus.
me: Good answer.
Bats are great!
Maureen: Whence comes this line of conversation?
me: I urge you to spread the bat love this Halloween season.
Maureen: Okay.
We sometimes put a mechanical bat up that drops down and squeaks and frightens people.
The Halloween decorations are my husband's deal, though, not mine.
He got rid of the too-lifelike rats after last year.
me: If it spreads the love, that's OK in my book.
Maureen: Dunno about it spreading the love.

me: So Linda, what are your thoughts on bats?
Linda: as in the animal?
me: Yes.
Linda: I am pretty neutral...I mean they exist, they don't hurt anyone, they eat the mosquitos
me: Yes!
Linda: I don't want them in my hair, but otherwise I'm cool with them
me: I'm trying to spread the bat love this Halloween season.
Linda: excellent
me: Did you know that without bats, civilization as we know it would not even be possible?
Linda: please tell me why that is?
me: Well, actually I kind of made that up.
But, I bet you could make a case.
Linda: I'm sure you could

me: I'm taking a poll, Sara.
Are you pro-bat or anti-bat?
Sara: What?
me: You know, bats!
Hang upside down, leathery wings, sonar!
For them, or against them?
Sara: Against
Creep me out
me: NO WAY!
I was hoping for something more like "bats are awesome."
Sara: haha
i gotta go.


Jennifer said...

How interesting to see how different people reacted to a poll I didn't realize I was being given! Nice job spreading the bat love.

At the same time, recognizing that my answer was dramatically censored*, I'm not sure how much I can rely on this report....

*Please allow for a tiny bit** of exaggeration in this claim for dramatic effect.

**Please allow for a considerable amount of understatement in the previous footnote***.

***Yes, I'm in a footnote mood today.

jovaliquilts said...

I read the whole post. Hard to say why. I even checked out the anti-bat post you linked to. Have to say (yes, have to) that I support bats in principle (they have their ecological niche), but I used to live in bat territory and never grew fond of them in real life. I was told fruit bats were ok but vampire bats might be carrying rabies -- but I didn't want to get close enough to tell the difference.

Elaine said...

Well...they ARE furry.
Generally i like furry animals.
But the noses are a bit icky.

Jenners said...

Are you a shill for the BATS ROCK lobby or what?

And are you ever amazed that people still accept your phone calls?

DrSchnell said...

Bats rule! We have a bat house at our house and a favorite summer activity is to sit around at dusk and watch them all go all sonar-ey and bug-munchingey and sit around thinking "take that, you west-Nile-virus carrying mosquito bastards!" Awesomeness on the wing!

fingerstothebone said...

Bats are the cutest! I took my mom to this event at The High Desert Museum this summer and they had several bats (with a handler). We got to see them up close (really up close). It was great. Bats Forever!! Yay, Bats!

Did you not get my Dorkfest entry?

Eversaved said...

On a sadder note: I went to the grocery store this morning to buy pan de muerto and materials for calaveras so my estudiantes and I can celebrate dia de los muertos maniana. Right at the entry to the grocery store was a balled up little baby bat- dead, I think :-( I stopped for a second and gaped, and of course the security guard gaped at me gaping, and when I came back out of the store it was gone.

I immediately thought of you and your (surprise) bat poll. Bet you never have had someone tell you that they thought of you when they saw a dead bat before, have you?

d said...

i like this. i like this a lot.

Michael5000 said...

@Jennifer: It's theoretically possible that I didn't cite the conversation I had with you, but rather reported verbatim a very similar conversation I had with someone else.

@jovali: I like to think you read the whole post because it was highly amusing. I am willing to concede that I may be wrong.

@Elaine: Bats don't get to choose the shape of their noses you know, Elaine.

@Jenners: People still accept my phone calls?

@DrSchnell: SAY IT BROTHER!!!

@fingers: YAY BATS! Also, yes. I did.

@Ms. Saved: It's an honor to be associated with dead bats, kind of.

@d: Mercy.

margaret said...

Do you really think I look like a "Cindy"?!

Michael5000 said...

@Mags: Don't knock it, I had a total crush on Cindy in 1985.

margaret said...

I know, What's in a name? I went out with three Mikes in succession, which was kind of dull but guaranteed no painful name flubs.

Michael5000 said...

You just never met the right Mike.

Jeff Laughlin said...

This is blasphemy.

Michael5000 said...


Bridget said...


Michael5000 said...

@Bridget: TELL IT SISTER!!!