Road Trip!

So yes, I was sent out to Eastern Oregon on a business trip Friday, and took the opportunity to take a long, meandering drive home on Friday afternoon and Saturday. Since this was all in Oregon, there was unfortunately no opportunity for county collection -- I polished off Oregon in, what, 1993 I think.

But still, there are several roads still I've never been on, so naturally I brought along my atlas of all routes travelled.



I use an orange highlighter to mark routes I've taken before, so the yellowish line on the map is the route I took back home from the Hermiston area as it evolved over the course of yesterday and today. Spring is a great time to see North Central Oregon -- I guess it's a great time to see anyplace -- and I was continually bummed to be without a camera as sweeping vistas of tableland and canyons came into view, along with picturesque old buildings, patches of wildflowers, and the like. I highly recommend the length of Oregon 206 from Pilot Rock to Condon, as well as Oregon 218, for sweeping views of magnificently lovely, open country. With virtually no traffic, they are fun to drive -- and by "fun to drive" I mean like so:

Travel Geek Advisory!

The route, in addition to taking me down some new roads, also brought me to 5 out of the 20 incorporated towns in Oregon I hadn't been to:

• Helix (very very small [183], a little grim)
• Athena (very small [1221], but with some village charm)
• Adams (very very small [297], I pretty much blinked and missed it)
• Pilot Rock (small [1532], gritty and workmanlike)
• and Rashneeshpuram -- oops! -- I mean, Antelope (tiny [59] and pretty much dead on the vine).

I stayed in Condon, which is a surprisingly charming and welcoming town of 759. It is a humble but well-kempt and well-preserved place, with a handful of nice shops and the feel of a strong community huddled against the vast empty spaces never more than a few blocks away.

I am also always impressed with the town of Heppner, with its prosperous business district, handsome courthouse, and attractive homes. Despite its proximity to the Blue Mountains, however, I thought that adopting the slogan "Gateway to the Blues" and posting it at all the entraces to town was perhaps not the best choice.

Plausible alternative slogan: "To Live in Heppner is to Trust in Hydrologic Engineering."

I Hate These Maps!!!

Here are two maps that have been raising my hackles recently. But since many among the L&TM5K are map dorks themselves, and have proved themselves game for a little analytical puzzle, I thought I'd let YOU tell me why I hate these maps.

This one is being seen on billboards and print media all over the City of Roses....

...and this one was from a recent lead story in the 'gonian.


Oooh! I HATES 'em!!!

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Like mappy challenges? Frequent commenter Karmasartre sent me a link to this time-consuming online Quiz recently. I scored 158. If you can beat me on your first try, I'll come up with some kind of fabulous prize. I dare you. That's right -- I'm bringing the heat. Do your best, suckers.

That Other Media Outlet's Flag Makeover

Remember, people, we did it here first! It was a full year ago now that the eXtreme talents and minds of the L&TM5K readership were applied to the task of redesigning the Oregon flag. Our best efforts were reviewed in this post. I was, lamentably, unable to interest the Governor in taking us serious, which I frankly think betrayed a certain lack of leadership and vision.

Then -- and you certainly don't hear me making any careless accusations of "plagiarism" or "intellectual property theft" or "craven immitation" here -- the 'gonian pops up with its own contest to redesign the Oregon flag just eight months later! I sent documentation of our pioneering efforts in this realm into the contest chair, but did I get the mere courtesy of a response? No. No, I didn't. Sheesh.

I have to admit, though, that the winning entry is pretty good. It was designed by... by... oops! Forgot to write that down when I took the picture. Oh well, whoever they did, they did a pretty good job. Keeping an element of the old flag was a slick move.



Last I heard, the Governor's Office was still playing hardball -- by which I mean, showing no interest in random flag redesign contests. Where are their priorities?

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Say What You Like About the Great Movies Project...

But it does encourage eclectic viewing!



I never know what's going to be waiting for me when I pick up my library reserves.

Michael5000 Tells You What to Think!

[right: "Rock the Goat" by the Honorable Vice Dork Emeritus Fingerstothebone, used without so much as a how-do-you-do]

If you live here in the Beaver State, no doubt you are wondering what to do with those ballot thingies that came in the mail the other day. Well, you're in luck! Here are the official L&TM5K endorsements for the Oregon ballot measures!!! I recommend just blindly following them without question.

YES on 54 (eligibility for school board elections) -- This is an uncontroversial housekeeping measure, an obvious yes.

YES on 55 (changes operative date of redistricting plans) -- Another uncontroversial housekeeping item.

YES on 56 (property tax elections are decided by majority of voters voting) -- This measure repeal's Oregon's recent "double-majority" law, which requires property tax measures to win a majority of votes in an election in which a majority of registered voters cast ballots. The double-majority law has been a grotesque perversion of democracy, forcing "no" votes into the mouth of every person who is out of town, isn't paying attention, loses their ballot, or decides to to sit out an election. It never should have been passed, and it stinks, and it really needs to go.

YES on 57 (increases sentences for repeat criminal offenders) -- Not really an especially great plan, but it needs to pass to rule out Measure 61, below. Isn't democracy fun?

NO on 58 (prohibits teaching public school student in language other than English for more than two years) -- Here's an idea: maybe people who have trained for years to be teachers and then spent years in the classroom, teaching, know more about education than other taxpayers. Maybe we could back off and let them figure out what works best? Just a thought.

NO on 59 (creates an unlimited deduction for federal income taxes on individual taxpayers' Oregon income-tax returns) -- I am in general opposed to special tax cuts for the wealthy. They have so many already.

NO on 60 (teacher "classroom performance," not seniority, determines pay raises; "most qualified" teachers retained, regardless of seniority) -- Another attempt to micromanage school administration by a committee of the entire citizenry. Offensive to common sense.

NO on 61 (creates mandatory minimum prison sentences for certain theft, identity theft, forgery, drug, and burglary crimes) -- Crime is, contrary to public opinion, way down in the Beaver State. I would prefer my tax money to be spent on education, libraries, and proactive policing, rather than to warehousing the additional 5000 prisoner wards of the state this measure would create. But that's just me. Lamentably, this measure really appeals to kneejerk tax-and-spend Conservatives, which is why we are pretty much forced to vote yes on the more moderate 57.

NO on 62 (allocates 15% of lottery proceeds to public safety fund for crime prevention, investigation, prosecution) -- Whenever you allocate lottery proceeds to anything, you make government dependent on the promotion of gambling. I've always felt that it is unjust to put a special tax on the mathematically unsophisticated.

NO on 63 (exempts specified property owners from building permit requirements for improvements valued at/under 35,000 dollars) -- Much as people like to yak about the restrictions placed on what they can do with their homes by building codes, they are really among the most progressive laws we have. Building codes recognize that your house is likely going to be around longer than you are. They are not, as people sometimes complain, "the city protecting your from yourself," but rather the city protecting the future inhabitants of your house (not to mention your neighbors) from you. Or, if you prefer, protecting you from the former inhabitants of your house, not to mention your neighbors. It's a good thing.

If 63 passes, houses are going to get pretty ugly. It would be a boon for the fly-by-night contractors and a big green light for the kind of Sunday carpenters who don't realize how complicated a project is until they are halfway through it. It wouldn't be the end of the world, but it would make life a little shabbier for everyone.

NO on 64 (penalizes person, entity for using funds collected with "public resource" for "political purpose") -- A crude, heavy-handed union-busting measure.

I HAVE NO IDEA on 65 (changes general election nomination processes) -- I don't know what to think of this one. It sounds daft, but it has some smart people signed on as supporters. Anybody have ideas on this one?

Au Contraire, Mon Frere!

I haven't filled the ballot out yet. If you want to tell michael5000 what to think, the comment button is down yonder.

But I Don't Live in Oregon. Any Advice for Me?

Well, for the national Presidential election, I am inclined to a candidate who, although young and not as experienced as I would love, has nonetheless shown himself to possess remarkable skills of leadership, administration, and policy development. He has had the good judgement to choose for a Vice Presidential candidate a seasoned, highly competant politician who can complement his strengths and remedy his weaknesses.

Which is to say....

Obamarama, baby! Barack the House!!

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Wednesday Weigh-In: Still 213, which is now four over plan. May have to step this whole thing up.

On a positive note, I forgot to drink any diet cola last Sunday...

Rock My Vote

I don't remember ever voting in a Presidential primary before.

I have voted in primaries, of course -- I've voted in every election I've ever been eligible to vote in. But since the Beaver State's primary typically happens long, long after the candidates for both parties have been signed, sealed, and delivered, the Presidential portion of the spring ballot is always a bit of a dead letter. It has apparently been quite unmemorable.

This year, however, is different. This year, the party with which I am affiliated -- I am, for my sins, a registered Democrat -- still has an actual choice of candidates in the running. Zowie! My vote will count! In theory!

But here's the thing: in this year, of all years, I do not have a strong preference between the candidates. It's not that I'm apathetic, and it's not that I'm dazzled, but just that I think either of my choices would make a perfectly adequate executive.

Gentle Readers, I stand before you an undecided voter!

Well, undecided but leaning to Clinton, who has articulated a potentially workable healthcare policy. But essentially undecided.

So, here's your big chance to influence an actual voter whose actual vote is still in actual play! As well as literally dozen of his local readers! Let me know why I should vote for the candidate of your choice!

A few clarifications:

1) No, I will not automatically vote for the candidate who gets the most or best comments here. That would be illegal, not to mention unethical, not to mention dumb.

2) I will not necessarily announce who I end up voting for. Sanctity of the ballot box and all that.

3) I may ask pointed follow-up questions.

4) If this subject turns out to be popular, interesting, and/or amusing, we'll revisit it on Saturday. Otherwise, we'll just let it fade away like another Forgotten Land....

A New Flag for Oregon: the Gallery

Well, today's the big day! Entries have been flooding in, relatively speaking, for the big L&TM5K Design a New Flag for the Beaver State Contest! As a native of the Beaver State, my heart swells with provincial pride at each and every entry shown here. So take your hats off, please -- any one of the following may well be the next official state flag of Oregon!

Well, probably not either of the first two.

But with no futher ado, let's get right to the flags! Here we go!

Cleverest Flag (Flatter the Host subcategory)

The winner in our first category is Karmasartre!

Artist's Statement: A gorgeous flag, surely you can see its merit. [Damn straight I can, Karma! Damn straight!]




Cleverest Flag (Make the Host Laugh Really Hard subcategory)

In this coveted division, the runaway winner was Rebel!

Artist's Statement: My interpretation of the flag was inspired by Oregon's motto, which speaks to our independent nature and free thinking optimism. The mature shade of green represents our environmental sensibilities. The leaf represents our pride in Oregon's agricultural heritage.




Best Tricolor

Topping the, um, field in this classic category was.... me! michael5000!

Artist's Statement: It's, like, a map? Because the blue is like the ocean? And the green -- oh, hell, never mind.



Best South-Pacific-Micronation-Style Design

Dominating this category was the lovely and brilliant Mrs.5000!

Artist's Statement: It is mostly green because, duh, it's the flag of Oregon. Green is for the Earth and forests and the down-to-earth pragmatism of the Oregonian people. Blue is for the water which is life-giving and bounds us on two sides. Also for the sky, and the starry-eyed idealism of the Oregonian people. The curve is for the arc between earth and sky, and to remind us we're part of the Pacific rim. It's not that we're going downhill or anything! The flag is uncluttered and free of representational figures because the people of Oregon are capable of abstraction.


(If you don't believe the people of Oregon are capable of abstraction, perhaps you will like version 2 of my flag, which has a duck on it.)

Best Flag Overall: The Finalists

Then we get to the real contenders. In all honesty, these are all so great, I don't know if I can pick just one winner. I might have to leave it to Governor Kulongoski. In no particular order:

Phineas!

Artist's Statement: Obvious choices of natural green and blue, with the blue signifying the ocean more so than the sky. The stand of evergreens is intended to also evoke a sense of a skyline in the Western portion of the state, recognizing growth and sophistication integrating with natural beauty.

Chance!

Artist's Statement: My design is primarily forest green, to represent Oregon's wondrous forests of pine. The top and bottom and bordered with gray, which represents the eight months of rainfall that keeps the place green. In the middle is a beaver icon (the state animal and nickname, as well as representing the spirit of pride and labor that I love in so many independent-minded Oregonians who are not hobos). Finally, the beaver is in a circle of blue, which represents the all-too-brief spring, during which the weather is perfect.

Bridget B.!

Artist's Statement: Well, instead of printing an artist's statement, I'll just point you here and encourage you to scroll down at your leisure. She's a flag-designin' machine. The following are my three favorites from her output.

Epilogue

Wow! I'm dazzled! And I bet the Governor will be too!

Please feel free to comment on the flags and congratulate the artists. Let me know if there's one in particular that you would feel especially proud to live under, if you live in Oregon that is. Or that you would be pleased to see Oregonians living under, if you don't.

Flag Makeover: The Beaver State

And You Thought We Had Got Past the Whole Flag Thing...

But no. You might remember that, after seeing the "most improved" category of the L&TM5K Awards for Flag Merit, Bridget B. brought up the idea of a "flag makeover."

Meanwhile, in response to Rebel's mention of the Oregon flag's two-sidedness, I shot off my mouth in the following reckless manner:

Rebel: Oregon has the only double sided state flag - does that count for
*nothing*???

michael5000: The two-sidedness of the Oregon banner does count for something, yes. It counts towards the cumulative suckitude of our state flag. The "front" side -- something you would never have to say about a proper flag -- is a prime example of the suck-o-rama state-seal-on-blue genre that I discussed in the O.P., exacerbated by text that reads "STATE OF OREGON." Rule of Thumb: If your flag is so unmemorable that you have to WRITE OUT THE NAME OF YOUR STATE ON IT, start from scratch.

From the collision of these two concepts emerges:


The L&TM5K Design a New Flag for the Beaver State Contest!

And here are the rules:

1. A flag needs to look, you know, flaggy. Patterns of bold color with, if you must, simple and iconic symbols. No photos. No intricate drawings or text. (Intricate drawings and text are on the current state flag, of course, but that's a big part of why we are designing a new flag.)

2. Flags are one-sided. Duh.

3. Flags are rectangular. Don't get all Nepal-Ohio on me.

4. Ideally, a flag should be distinctive and immediately recognizable, yet sit comfortably among traditional flag designs.

5. Readers who are not especially knowledgeable about Oregon are probably worrying too much about symbolism if they even see that as a problem.

Submit!

Entries are due no later Tuesday, February 5th. They may be in the form of a verbal description, a clipped and forwarded image, an original graphic created in a sophisticated graphic design tool such as "Paint," an actual piece of paper (or knitted swatch, etc) handed or mailed to me in real life, or any combination of the above. My email address, at Gmail, is michael5000.

Please note: participation is mandatory for those of you who have artsy cred and were hoping to keep it.

I will personally send the winning entry, or maybe all of the entries, to Oregon Governor Ted Kulongoski! Or perhaps a low-ranking member of his administrative staff! And although the L&TM5K budget can't really cover an material award at this juncture, it seems quite likely to me that you will get a handsome check from the people of the State of Oregon if and when your design is actually adopted as the official state flag. Also, you will of course have the thrill of seeing your design featured in a future post.

OPB Sucks

Longtime readers may remember last summer's sparkling, insightful analysis of how public radio sucks. In that article, I shared this constructive criticism of my hometown affiliate, Oregon Public Broadcasting:

Many individual public radio stations produce solid local content, or curate unusual or interesting content. I happen to listen, for my sins, to Oregon Public Broadcasting, which does neither well and thus especially sucks.

Fellow residents of the Beaver State naturally rose up with one voice to defend their own. Except that they didn't. "OPB does suck absolute balls," observed MyDogIsChelsea. "It's truly inexcusable. I don't even know why they bother."

Now, perhaps some of you out there in Blogland, particularly those of you who don't endure OPB on a daily basis, are thinking "Gosh, M5K and MyDog are just smug little radio snobs. I'm sure that this Oregon Public Broadcasting is a fine institution. They should just chill."

Well, here's the OPB monthly newsletter that arrived here at Castle5000 yesterday:


Case closed.

Three Things That Should Not Have Been Surprises

We'll do the local-interest one first:

I: Wild Animals Are Not Pets

Recently, some folks here in the Beaver State were found to be keeping a couple of deer as pets. The Department of Fish and Wildlife, citing laws against keeping wild animals as pets, confiscated the deer and will try to re-release them back into the wild. Where they arguably belong. In that they are, you know, wild animals and everything.

Good! Except that, at this point the Oregonian, as part of its increasingly constant program of getting people all riled up about stupid shit, ran a fair and balanced top-of-the-front-page story on the affair. In the 'gonian's coverage, the State of Oregon, portrayed thus:

...wanted to take the deer:

...away from the nice people....

...in order to be mean. And to break their hearts. The word "heartbroken" has been flying around a lot. Public outcry ensued. People who, last week, would have quite sanely opposed the keeping of wild animals as pets, are now coming out as noisily anti-heartbroken. I know autumn is supposed to make people sentimental, but this is just getting ridiculous.

For the record, I would be entirely willing to have my state tax money spent on getting the nice people a new pet to speed their grieving process. Perhaps one of the established, name-brand domestic animals. A dog, say. Or a cat.

II. Britney Spears is Not a Genius of the Performing Arts

Even a recluse like myself, with no television, no commercial radio, and only the thin, thin thread of the aforementioned Oregonian to connect me with the outside world, knew about our nation's collective stunned disbelief last weekend. Britney Spears put in an amateurish performance at an MTV awards shindig. Everyone is reeling. Everyone is afraid this may hurt her comeback efforts.

In the interest of Truth, I journeyed to the MTV website to see video of the performance. And indeed, though it's not the fiasco that internet scuttlebutt had led me to expect, Ms. Spears comes as a modestly talented high school sophomore trying to keep up with the professional entertainers around her.

But People! Exactly when, in her bizarrely long career, did she ever come off as anything else?

III. There's Trouble in the Sub-Prime Lending Market!

Let's ignore for the moment that the credit system in the United States is a creepy Orwellian threat to personal liberty. Don't think so? Order a copy of your credit report; you are entitled to a free one once a year. You'll be dazzled at how much more they know about your finances than you do. But like I said, let's ignore that for the moment.

Our economy has recently been rocked as financial professionals have discovered, to their shock and horror, that if you lend lots and lots of money to people with poor credit, some of them are not going to be able to pay you back!

That's right, the guardians of our economy in both the public and private sectors, men and women in very nice suits, many of whom presumably have degrees in business and finance from expensive colleges, have been caught completely off guard by this development. Which is strange. I, myself, with no knowledge of the sophisticated wheels of finance, found it quite alarming a few years back when mortgage companies were agressively peddling low-interest, no-down-payment mortgages to any strung-out tweaker who could stay out of jail long enough to get to the closing. Didn't you, dear reader?

Doesn't it seem strange that noted financial megagenius Alan Greenspan didn't?

What part of "sub-prime" didn't they understand?

College Football Weekend Roundup

#19 Oregon 52, Fresno State 21. Oh my. Even without showing up for the third quarter, the Duckies still took a perfectly legit FSU team completely to the cleaners. We could be in for a hell of a season here. Although let us not forget, the road to Eugene is paved with broken dreams. (Michael5000's prediction was: UO 33, FSU 24)

Oregon State 61, Idaho State 10. After last week's debacle, it was OSU's game to lose. They didn't. (M5K prediction was: OSU45, ISU 13)

Portland State 35, Sacramento State 24. Two touchdowns in the last 2:04 to squeak out a win. College football, baby!

Other Games of Interest

#3 Oklahoma 54, Utah State 3. Boomer! (M5K's prediction was: OU 59, USU 10)

Michigan 38, Notre Dame 0. Maybe -- just speaking theoretically here -- Michigan doesn't suck. Maybe App State and Oregon are just really, really good.

Utah 44, #11 UCLA 6. What the hell happened here?

#1 USC 49, #14 Nebraska 31. I'm not sure why it always makes me smile when Nebraska loses.

Willamette 14, California Lutheran 7. First victory is sweet for the intrepid Bearcats!

Another Exciting Victory for the Ducks

[If you haven't weighed in on non-fiction books yet, go thisaway.]

The football season got off to a terrific start this week as Nike co-founder Phil Knight donated $100,000,000 to the University of Oregon athletic department, presumably in big Scrooge McDuck bags of lucre with little dollar signs stenciled on the sides. Rumor has it that the University will also continue to function as an academic institution in some capacity.

But you know, all kidding aside, all of that money will not buy success on the gridiron next month. No siree, that's not how the game works. In fact it will take at least a year, maybe even two or three, for all of that money to buy success on the gridiron. In the meantime we will have to, if I may paraphrase the always loveable Donald Rumsfeld, go to war with the football team we have.

The big question that I know all good L&TM5K readers are asking themselves is, what kind of football team do we have? Interestingly, no one seems to have a clue. I recently examined three different magazines with titles like College Football Preview and Exploited Young Athlete Forecaster 2007 -- well, actually more like the former than the later -- and found that they variously predicted that the Ducks would finish second, sixth, and seventh in the Pac-10. [note for the footballphobic: the Pac-10 has 10 teams. Hence the name.] That's a huge range of possibilities. I bought the first one.

It all starts next week, and I am sure that you are as excited as I am. What fun we'll have.

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Hmmm, we haven't had a Song of the Day for a while. "Concrete" by Jim's Big Ego hit me with a totally, like, transcendent moment on my evening run last night, all pure pop exhuberance on a beautiful August day. Nice. Give it a listen, maybe you'll like it too.

Oregon: We Love Women With Swords

I was spending some quality time with the current New Yorker when I happened upon the latest installment of the "Oregon: We Love Dreamers" promotional campaign. Here, take a good hard look:


Aw, hell, I don't even know where to start. So let's do like good graduate students, and narrow our thesis. I will let the lameness of the copy shriek for itself. I will avoid catty remarks about how, on the flip side of this page, there is a second full-page ad featuring Portland's arguably "world-renowned" but basically snoreworthy (oops! catty!) Pink Martini. Let us instead simply review the ad's four images -- the images that some genius at Weiden + Kennedy has chosen to entice my fellow New Yorker readers to put down whatever else they were doing and flock to the cultural attractions of the Beaver State.
Upper Left: The Schnitz. Not a bad start! The "Portland" sign on the old Paramount Theater conveys urban excitement and the promise of after-dark culture. It's obvious what's going on in this picture, and it's obvious WHERE it's going on.
Upper Right: A Woman With a Sword. Uh-oh. Now, as a card-carrying native Oregonian, I can surmise that this is an ACTRESS, presumably from the very excellent Oregon Shakespeare Festival in Ashland, Oregon. I can even guess that she is standing along beautiful Lithia Creek. Charming town, Ashland.
But you know what? There is absolutely no way that Mr. and Mrs. Where-Should-We-Spend-Our-Tourist-Dollars, of Arlington, Virginia, are going to be able to parse that. They are going to see a woman with a sword. "What's with the sword?" Mr. WSWSOTD will ask. "I don't know," his beloved will reply. "Maybe people in Oregon are just extremely eccentric." "Could be," he'll acknowledge. "Hey! Here's a tourist brochure from Wisconsin!"
Lower Left: A Man Holding a Big Chunk of Meat. He looks very friendly, but I'm not sure WHAT he's up too. One looks in vain for any small-print explanation. Perhaps he is getting ready to cook something that the Woman With a Sword killed.
Lower Right: A Woman with a Very Large Book. Mrs. 5000 thinks she knows what this one is all about, but I certainly wouldn't have got it on my own. Now, it is possible that the W+K market reseach department has found that a large segment of the New Yorker readership plans its discretionary travel around Very Large Book destinations. But I kind of doubt it. And if the idea is to cash in on the reputation of the fabulous City of Books -- and hey! that's a great idea! -- I think a slightly less oblique approach is called for.
Just a suggestion. After all, what do ~I~ know about manipulating popular ideas about places?