Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Inspector5000 and the Case of the Garrulous Girl

Michael5000 was waiting in line at the toy store. The woman standing in front of him, a well-to-do redhead in a stylish winter coat, had with her an unusually perky and outgoing curly-haired little girl. As the two of them approached the counter, the little girl spoke to the cashier in a loud voice, announcing “I am happy and relaxed!”

“Why, that’s great,” laughed the clerk, and began working with the mother. There were several questions about a purchase that the woman was contemplating, then some complications with a credit card machine that kept the clerk busy for a while. We waited. During this downtime, the perky little girl brightly scanned the counter area, looked at some of the small toys placed near the cash register as impulse items, and was generally quiet and well-behaved. She said nothing, in fact, until her mother turned to go. Then, as a sort of farewell, she announced to the clerk that “Now I feel happy and romantic!”

“Ah-ha!” thought michael5000. “I know what that little girl’s new toy is!”

What was the girl’s new toy?


Elaine said...


fingerstothebone said...

I was going to say Xanax, but Elaine took the wind out of my sails.

Cartophiliac said...

What are you? Encyclopedia 5000?

How about she got a Ken doll to go home and meet Barbie.

The Calico Cat said...

vibrator (I'm so sorry it was the first thing that went through my head...)

Elaine said...

Wasn't there an awful Barbie that said things like, "Math is hard!" and so on? I'll not ask just what Michael5000 was doing in the toy store ... Looking for his own Barbie?

Rebel said...

Set the stage.... were you in Finnegans? Or that little shop on Hawthorne? Or was it just Toys R Us?

Ok... the new toy is:
1. my first pharmacy, complete with paxil and levitra and little toy pharmacist
2. a thesaurus - nerdy little Portlander that she is
3. an AnthroPC?
4. 'Serenade me Elmo' doll?

Ugh... I'm woefully out of date with the kid toys. Still... I love this as a blog genre!

sugarfoot said...

Me believes the child has a mood ring.

Anonymous said...

I think it was one of those thin, plastic fish you put in your hand and it curls up different ways depending on the temperature from your hand.... I mean, your mood.

Kritkrat said...

I have no idea, but that is one creepy kid!

d said...

i only have dirty, inappropriate comments to this question, so i will refrain.

gl. said...

i stand with sugarfoot: mood ring ftw!

Rex Parker said...

Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars

Ben said...

A mood ring or bracelet.

Anonymous said...

Chia Pet

Elizabeth said...

A dictionary or some such - "relaxed" comes before "romantic." If her next statement had been "I feel happy and ruthless!" then it would have been obvious.

Michael5000 said...

You people are hilarious.

A mood ring it was! But I like all your answers better.

@Calico: Weren't you scolding me for my small-town pottymouth a few months ago? And now here you are suggesting erotic aids for this innocent waif? Heavens!

@Elaine: Actually, I was buying a gift certificate for my parents. We're very immature in my family.

@Reb: It was that little shop in Multnomah Village. I could go for My First Pharmacy right about now.

@sugarfoot: Oh, well done! And I think this is your first visit? I don't remember seeing sugary footprints around here before....

@katenben: Same idea.

@Kadonk: Aw, naw, she was a cutie!

@d: I salute your virtuous restraint. We might need you to give Calico Cat some life coaching sometime.

@Calico: I kid, of course.

@gl.: I note here, as I have elsewhere, that the initials "ftw" do not always seem to mean to other people what we always understood them to mean in MY high school.

@Rex: That's the best laugh I've had since Elaine said "Cocaine."

@Ben: Well done, sir.

@Elizabeth: I should be able to come up with something about women who go from relaxed to romantic to ruthless, but I seem to be experiencing wiseacre's block.

Elizabeth said...

And a good thing, too.

gl. said...

which is why i feel compelled to use it.

The Calico Cat said...


Potty mouth in check. (I originally thought about the "d" word for full on potty mouth!)

Rebel said...

wait wait wait.... YOU WERE ON THE WESTSIDE???

I need to sit down.