Monday, May 2, 2011

My Letter of Reference for Nichim

Erudite and charming L&TM5K reader Nichim recently asked me if I would be a reference for her on a job application.  She and I know each other in the three-dimensional realm, in case you were wondering, which is not necessarily to say that I wouldn't be willing to serve as a reference for you, Gentle Reader, simply on the basis of your readership.  It shows that you are a person of character.  But anyway, with Nichim I was all like "Hells yeah!" and upped the ante by throwing together a letter of reference for her as well.  We try to deliver a high level of service here at the L&T.

Well, I showed the letter to Mrs.5000 and it made her hoot, which for me is kind of like winning the Nobel Prize for Light Comic Writing, so I asked Nichim if I could share it with y'all and she graciously agreed.  Three pieces of background:

  1. Nichim has one of those doubled last names, not unlike the "Royal Wedding Names" we were all making up for ourselves on Facebook last week.  I have changed it here for the obvious reason; you may have gathered that "Nichim" isn't what it says on her birth certificate, either.
  2. At one point in the letter I use a notoriously vulger word that begins with "moth" and ends with "king."  It's okay, though, as it is a clever intertextual reference to the well-known 1996 hit "What I Got" by the band Sublime.  More sensitive readers may wish to skip over this word.
  3. If you feel inspired by this letter to tender Nichim a lucrative offer of employment -- she lives in the New England area -- just leave the job description, along with a potential compensation package, in the comments.  She'll be in touch if she's interested.

Dear Sir, Madam, or Automated Human Resources Screening Software,

It is a great pleasure to write this letter of reference for Nichim Schmidt Anderson, or is it Nichim Anderson Schmidt?  Sometimes I forget which it is.  I totally know who I mean, though!  I have known Nichim for a number of years as a colleague, a raconteur, a co-enthusiast for various forms of esoterica, and a crack notary, so I’m pretty sure I have her measure.  Indeed, I believe I may have once seen her in her starkers, but I’m not sure because it was night, the bicycle was in motion, and a gentleman doesn’t stare.

Nichim possesses that mildly pathological sense of order which, combined with a keen intelligence, makes a person so incredibly effective at administrative work.  Not only will she keep your cumbersome system of protocols and procedures functioning properly, possibly against her better judgment, but she’ll LIKE it.  Throw her an occasional morsel of praise, and you can confidently sit back and attend to your own duties.  Although frankly, you could probably just delegate those to her, too.  She’s pretty can-do.

Ms. Anderson Schmidt, or Schmidt Anderson, whatever, has an especial gift of languages.  I think she claims to be fairly proficient in the traditional Chinook jargon of the indigenous peoples of the Pacific Northwest, although let’s face it, that’s a pretty easy claim to make.  I mean, how the hell are you going to check?  But I think we can take her on her word, as she has always struck me as an especially honest, highly principled, and consistently ethical person.  Although, when you think about it, that could just mean that she’s an incredibly cold-blooded liar.  Creepy.

In addition to traditional Chinook jargon, Nichim is fully proficient in traditional Academic jargon, and indeed writes it with a seamless fluency that would shame many a full professor of Frankfurt-school Philosophy.  She can review the literature like a motherfucking riot.  I assure you that any little research tasks you have around the office would be a waste of her capabilities, but that’s not to say she wouldn’t enjoy tearing into them like some kind of hypercerebral attack dog.

A dab hand with a woodwind, Nichim is also an intensely horizontally integrated one-woman textiles operation who aspires to convert solar energy into socks, the old-fashioned way.  No one is quite sure why. 

Frankly, she is almost certainly way too awesome for whatever you have in mind.  But in this economy, what are you gonna do?  Strike while the iron is hot, and consider yourself lucky to be bringing this asset to your team, yadda yadda yadda.

Yours Objectively,

Michael5000, PhD, MAT, MA, etc.
Associate Vice President
Nichim Schmidt Anderson Fan Club LLC
P.O. Box 3
Frenchglen, Oregon


Elaine said...

Well, that's totally awesome! (The postcards are kinda scary--is the writing made up of newspaper cut-outs?)

I hate that I am out of the job market and will not be needing a reference, except maybe to St. Peter.

Jenners said...

That was brilliant! Very much amused by it. Perhaps one of your best posts ever.

Aviatrix said...

After ten years of applying to a particular company using boring, traditional cover letters I finally used one a little like that. I believe I claimed to have dismembered and hidden bodies (in a way that kind of made sense in context). I got the interview, but not the job.

Dug said...

I like how the song lyric just comes out of left field like that. Sublime!

You can write the letter of reference like a motherfucking riot.