Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Not Cut Out For Management

I saw this last weekend:


So yeah, my girlfriend suggested I blog about needing a manager, and I was like, Eh, that's kind of weird, but she pointed out that that's how I found my musical factotum and near-soulmate Scrap. And pretty much anytime musicians talk about a new manager, there's a wistful thread of the conversation that goes, "If only there appeared, magically out of the blue, some super-fired-up young person who's chomping at the bit to work his ass off, but where would you find one?"

If that's you, drop a line to md (at) mikedoughty (dot) com. Now, if you're somebody that's never dealt with the music business, if you're just maybe looking for a new kind of work, I'm afraid this may not be for you. But if you're a manager out there who digs what I've been doing, get in touch.

-- From the blog of musician Mike Doughty

And reponded like this:


Mr. Doughty,

I hope that you will not consider hiring me as your new manager. You would be crazy to. True, I am “maybe looking for a new kind of work,” but my mere availability would by no means compensate for my sheer unsuitability for the position.

Not only have I never worked in the music business, but I am sure I would be uniquely bad at it if I tried. Being the manager of a rock artist presumably involves lots of telephone conversations and negotiations, which I would frankly suck at. I hate telephones, and I am telling you right up front that I would be unwilling to purchase or carry a cell phone for work use. I should also mention that I can be socially awkward, especially around the types of confidently cool guys who seem to own and operate most clubs and bars. I would likely get flustered around them and cause you no end of embarrassment.

I’m reasonably hard-working, detail-oriented, and all of that, but my lifestyle is not at all suited to the music industry. I expect a regular salary and benefits package. I like to get to work first thing in the morning and be on my way home at 5:03 p.m. I am not willing to travel for business.

I read So You Want to be a Rock and Roll Star a few years ago, but unfortunately have forgotten everything I might have learned from it about the process by which a band is scheduled to play in a certain place at a certain time. I know nothing about record labels or the contracts that musicians negotiate with them. I can only guess at what the rest of a manager’s job might entail, but honestly I would probably suck at those bits too.

I have problem-solving skills that are really no better than the next guy’s, and my judgment is pretty middle-of-the-road too. I tend to freeze up a little bit in a crisis. I like driving at night, which I’ve heard is a good skill for a rock manager, but since, like I mentioned, I’m not willing to travel for work, I guess it’s a moot point.

I do, it must be said, “dig what you’ve been doing.” But this one thing should not blind you to my many inadequacies. I sincerely hope that you will not ask me to be your new manager.

Best Wishes,
michael5000
Portland


...so far, I haven't heard back.


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Wednesday Weigh-In

Target Weight: 212

...and after a few week of diligent exercise and reduced diet:

Actual weight: +2, 214.

Diet Cola Consumption: Holding Steady at 44 oz, per plan.

Monday, September 8, 2008

The Great Movies: Ikiru

At the Movies with Michael5000


Ikiru 
Akira Kurosawa, 1952

Ikiru is a dark comedy about a man who finds out he has only a few months left to live. I think I can get away with calling it a kind of La Dolce Vita meets The Apartment meets It's a Wonderful Life. It is like La Dolce Vita in its critique of the ideas and lifestyle of the 1950s intelligentsia. We learn from this film that "Beat" was a truly international phenomenon, as our hero finds himself (to his surprise) in a variety of the seediest Tokyo dives and clubs. Where the protagonist of La Dolce Vita is never able to escape his endless treadmill of trivial nights, however, Ikiru's Watanabe-san is able to find something else to do with his limited time.

Ikiru is like The Apartment in its merciless parody of bureaucracy and the world of work. Two of the best sequences in the movie come at the beginning and the end of the film. The first is a long, absurd montage of citizens being directed pointlessly from office to office at city hall,none of the bureaucrats they encounter even slightly interested in their complaint. The second is the long denouement of the movie, a funeral at which many of the same bureaucrats slowly drink themselves into a maudlin stupor, recklessly making resolutions to become better public servants that they will clearly never keep. These scenes are razor-sharp send-ups of the bureaucratic (or, the same thing, corporate) lifestyle, at the same time unfairly simplistic but also funny because they are true.

Ikiru is like It's a Wonderful Life in that it celebrates idealism and an ordinary life lived in service to the community. It champions the idea that one person really call make a difference if they roll up their shirtsleeves and give it their all. Obviously, it gets a little treacly. But it isn't too bad; both the protagonist's moral redemption and what he is able to achieve with his end game are plausible and kept in reasonable perspective. It's actually kind of inspiring.


Plot: A very boring man discovers, or at least comes to believe, that he will soon die of cancer. He experiments with various methods of trying to squeeze the most possible life out of his final months before hitting on one that works.

Visuals: Very nicely filmed in black and white, with strong use of contrast and many memorable images. There are a fair number of funny visual tricks as well, where changing camera angles or widening shots show us that characters are in somewhat different situations than we thought they were.

Dialogue: In Japanese. This is another movie where every line is efficient in both advancing the story and showing us something about the character who speaks it. Usually, we are learning something about the character that the character doesn't know about him or herself. Ikiru is a deeply ironic film.

Prognosis: If you like Kafka -- or if you are like me, and suspect you would like Kafka even though you've never read anything but that story about the guy who turns into a bug -- you'll probably really like Ikiru. As a movie about a man dying, it is not the most upbeat story ever filmed. It's rather sad, really. But it is underlain with a sharp wit, and its parodies of life and work in 1950s Japan can still hold their own in 2000s America. Or wherever you happen to live.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

The Monday Quiz XLII

Old-School Computer Gaming

To kick off this very special week, the Monday Quiz meditates on classic computer games of the past. Name 'em.

1.




2.





3.



4.




5.




Submit your answers in the comments.


...and, not a scoring question, but: Why is this a "very special week"? Not you, Mrs.5000, I've made sure YOU know...


Thursday, September 4, 2008

Spiritual Friday

I. My Father Told Me a Joke

So this Buddhist goes up to a hot dog cart. He says to the vendor, "Make me one with everything."


II. I Told My Buddy Who's a Buddhist Abbot My Dad's Joke, and He Responded

The Buddhist hands the vendor a $10 bill, and the vendor just hands over the hot dog.

The Buddhist asks, "Where's my change?"

The vendor answers, "Change comes from within."


III. I Ran Into My Friend in a Parking Lot

michael5000 runs into a friend in a parking lot; she has her two year old boy with her. They talk.

Friend: We were really sorry to hear about Yoyo. I know how much she meant to you.

michael5000: Oh, thanks. We miss her.

Two year old boy: What happened to his cat?

Friend: Oh. Well, um, remember how we were talking about how people and animals die?

Two year old boy: [distracted]

Friend: So what happened was, his cat died, and so now she's up in kitty heaven.

Two year old boy: [giggles]

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This post inspired in part by Chance's recent collections of Zen koans. Readers are advised that Chance's koans include adult content, such as the word "fuck."

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

The Thursday Quiz LI

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For further developments in the evolution of the Symbol -- yes, since yesterday -- check over here.
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The Thursday Quiz!

The Thursday Quiz is an "Is It or Isn't It" game. From the list of twelve items, your job is to determine whether each IS or ISN'T a true example of the week's category.

Remember always the system that makes our existence possible:

No research, Googling, Wikiing, or use of reference books. The Thursday
Quiz is a POP quiz. Violators will face extinction.
This Week's Category is one of those really verbose ones!

Environmental Disasters

This week, the Thursday Quiz presents twelve tales of humans messing with Ma Nature and paying the price. Which of these stories are pretty much accurate as written? And which have been taken a trip through the michael5000 plausible nonsense grinder?

1. The Aral Sea Debacle -- The Soviets dam the Amu Darya and Syr Darya Rivers to provide large-scale irrigation in Central Asia. The scheme is actually quite successful, and Uzbekistan remains today a leading exporter of cotton. Without the water from the rivers, however, the Aral Sea began to dry up. As it shrinks into a much smaller lake and evaporates down to a toxic level of salinity, the regional ecosystem and the prosperous fishing industry it had supported are destroyed.

2. The Ardennes Inferno -- After the hot, rainless summer of 1944, Germans launch the famous "Battle of the Bulge" in a last attempt to stem the advance of the Allies. All along the front line, bombs and tracer bullets ignite the tinder-dry trees and undergrowth of the Ardennes Forest, and soldiers on both sides conduct hellish weeks of battle in and around the largest documented forest fire in European history. By the times that the Allies contain the German advance, more than twice as many soldiers are presumed dead of fire and smoke inhalation as from combat injuries.

3. The Boston Molasses Disaster -- In 1919, a large holding tank of molasses (a more important sweetener in the American diet then than it is today) ruptures in downtown Boston. A fast-moving wave of molasses around ten feet high tears down busy streets, drowning or crushing twenty-one people as well as horses, dogs, and other animals. Tens of thousands of man-hours are required to clean and repair streets and buildings in the aftermath of the flood. The extent of ecological damage to Boston Harbor -- which remained molasses brown for months -- can not be assessed.

4. Cane Toads -- In an attempt to control a pesky native bug, the cane beetle, 500 Hawaiian Cane Toads are introduced into Northwestern Australia in 1935. Able to reproduce quite quickly, the Cane Toad population explodes, rapidly expanding its range and dramatically altering the local ecology in often unpredictable ways -- with toads available to eat, for instance, fewer crocodile eggs get eaten by predators, which leads to obvious problems. The Toads now number over 200 million.

5. The China Southern Smog Disaster -- Visitors who complain of Beijing's smog problem today don't know how good they have it. The Chinese capital's skies are much clearer now than in the days before democratic reforms, when coal-burning factories kept the city in a perpetual smoky twilight. The low point was the 1989 crash shortly after takeoff of a China Southern Airlines 737 outside the city, with the loss of all passengers and crew. After two years of foot-dragging, the official investigation was finally allowed to admit the humiliating truth: both of the airplane's engines had failed due to oxygen starvation in the murky Beijing air. Public outrage led to the passage of some of China's first ever environmental legislation.

6. The Cuyahoga River Fire of 1969 -- Fires had been breaking out on the lower Cuyahoga River, an industrial waterway winding through Cleveland, since at least 1935. Floating oils, chemicals, and debris made the river highly flammable; the largest and most damaging fire had been all the way back in 1952. It was an awakening environmental consciousness and a colorful article in Time magazine that made the 1969 fire a body blow to the civic image of Cleveland and a spur to the creation of the Clean Water Act and the Environmental Protection Agency.

7. Deforestation of Easter Island -- The inhabitants of Easter Island, an isolated society in the South Pacific, gradually cut down all the trees on their formally wooded island, probably for logs with which to roll and raise their enormous stone statues into position. With no wood available for tools, no nesting sites available for many species of birds important to the local diet, and widespread soil erosion, the Easter Island food supply and the civilization that depends on it go into steep decline.

8. The Great Pacific Garbage Patch -- Currents draw floating plastic waste from lands bordering the Pacific Ocean into a stable area in the North Pacific five times the size of Kansas. In some parts of the patch, as many as a million pieces of floating plastic per square mile have been counted. As plastic degrades from exposure to salt water and sunlight, it eventually dissolves into the sea, from where it begins to enter the food chain by accumulating in organisms that filter sea water for food and oxygen.

9. The Los Angeles Harbor Oil Spill -- The Sea Trader and the Prudhoe Bay -- not what we would consider supertankers today, but among the largest oil tankers afloat in 1955 -- collide in a rare late afternoon fog in Los Angeles Harbor. Both boats remain afloat, but each loses its entire cargo into the bay. With little attempt at cleanup, the spill wipes out the marine ecology of the region, and with it the old L.A. fishing and shellfish industries. Occurring before the environmental movement, the incident receives little attention outside of L.A., and would be largely forgotten today if not for the oil "bubbles" that still occasionally rise off the bottom and wash in to besmirch the famous Southern California beaches.

10. Love Canal -- The City of Niagara Falls school board buys an industrial waste site from a plastics company -- over the objections of the company -- as a site for a new school. The city puts in streets and sewers, and soon there is a residential neighborhood planted on top of what is essentially an underground lake of toxic waste. The problems that surfacing barrels and bubbles of industrial chemicals pose to landscape maintenance are the least of resident's worries; by some counts, more than half of the children born to neighborhood families have significant birth defects. After 21 years, a federal emergency is declared; the neighborhood is razed and its inhabitants evacuated.

11. Minamata Disease -- The Chisso Corporation, a Japanese chemical company, dumps toxic metals into the harbor of the city of Minamata during the 1950s. When it becomes clear that hundreds of people are contracting a crippling form of mercury poisoning, Chisso responds by installing a phony waste treatment system and continuing to dump mercury waste for another decade. By the time the practice is stopped, more than 1000 people have died and Chisso is able to profitably mine the harbor bottom for reclaimed mercury.

12. The Roberts Island Fox Hunt – On New Zealand's Roberts Island, home to a human population of more than 40,000, rabbit farmers decide that the island's foxes pose a threat to their industry. They arrange a highly successful eradication campaign. To their chagrin, however, it soon becomes apparent that only foxes had been keeping the island's Norway rats in check. The rat population explodes, becoming a major detriment to agriculture and a public health hazard. The large-scale abandonment of "Ratters Island," as it is often called now, is blamed mostly on this unpleasant ecological disaster; the current population is around 5000.



Post your answers in the comments.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Looking for a Sign, part III.

Several readers were kind enough to comment yesterday about my quest to find or create an arbitrary symbol. Here is the design that was up for critique; let's call it Symbol #1:


Comments about it included that it looks like fire, that it looks like a French curve drafting template, that it didn't really seem symbol-ish, that it looks weapon-y, and that it looks like a jack-o-lantern face tipped over sideways. And I agree with all four of those points. In fact, it feels kind of like y'all put words to unconcious reservations I'd had with the design.

So today, I used a highly sophisticated piece of graphic design software -- it's called "Paint" -- to tinker and tamper with the Symbol. I started by twisting the upper left branch to the left, to diminish the flame/spearpoint look, and breaking the "donut hole" through the bottom, to disrupt the jack-o-lantern face and to try to make it more typographical. Here's Symbol #2.

Then, I put an indentation in the left side -- I wonder if there are words for this kind of thing? -- in an attempt to, again, make it less flame-y and more caligraphic. Here's Symbol #3.
Later in the day, I messed with it some more, twisting the old "spear tip" over and to the right." Here's Symbol #4. (by the way, don't worry about the color differences and ghost design lines; those are just artifacts of my having used the least possible sophisticated design tool.)
Thoughts? Votes?


...and other weighty matters.

I shall now introduce a new weekly feature that may well bring back this online variety magazine's original subtitle. Which was, you might recall, "Like You Care."

One of the purposes of the L&T is to keep me, michael5000, focused on my long term goals, projects, schemes, and hijinx. And there is a long term goal that I've never been able to do much about. That goal? To get rid of some of the weight I gained in my early thirties.

So here's the deal. Tonight, writing the Wednesday post, I weigh in at about exactly where I've been for the last five years. 213 pounds. Roughly 30 pounds over a healthy weight for a guy my height, particularly one who jogs a lot. So I've graphed out weekly target weights for the next two years, which seems like a fairly moderate time span. With every Wednesday post, for as long as this blog keeps plodding along or for the next two years, I'll note where I am relative to the plan.

The idea here is of course that I will either have to lose weight through a judicious application of reduced caloric intake and an active lifestyle -- or I will have to admit my failure to you, my readers. And if I fail, I encourage you to mock me for it. In particular, I encourage you to call me "Tubby."

So: WEEK 1: Target Weight: 213. Actual Weight: 213. Except, this first one doesn't really count as much of an achievement, for obvious reasons.


Isn't Wednesday Supposed to be Music Day?

Wow, you've really been paying attention. Yes, we'll get back to that next week.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Looking for a Sign, part II.

It's the first ever post featured both on the Life & Times and State of the Craft! I'm so efficient I can hardly stand myself.

Last year I asked my readers of the Life & Times of Michael5000 blog to suggest a neutral symbol for me to use as the dominant element of a new quilt. I wanted something that appeared to have meaning but that was actually meaningless, or that meant something completely trivial. I wanted a signifier without a signified, for all y'all who have dipped into semiotic theory. "Why?" you might ask. Reasonable question! I've got no answer for it, however.

The readers came back with some fabulous suggestions! But then the suggestions pretty much just laid around the studio floor for a year, until last week. Having put Symbol on my quilting to-do list, though, I clearly needed to start thinking about what the symbol in Symbol would be.



To review: Symbol is going to use a set of neutral batiks that BigSister5000 gave me for Christmas a few years ago. They will to be pieced together too form a very simple background, and then the symbol itself will be appliqued over the top of them, probably in scarlet. If all goes well, it should look attractive and interesting. With me? Good.



OK, so back to the question of the symbol. As I started chasing down the leads that readers had tossed me, I got kind of interested in the concept of the irony mark. I love the irony mark! Although, if people used it, it might reduce the impact of irony. Ironically. But anyway, in terms of this project, it is perhaps both too meaningful, and too graphically simple to be impressive when rendered at four feet tall.


Similar considerations torpedoed the interrobang.*



I flirted briefly with this symbol for something-or-other from mediaeval alchemy. I could have reversed it or something. But I ultimately rejected it for being, maybe, just a tiny bit too figurative. Which is to say, it looks just a little too much like a critter.



Heather's suggestion of letters from the ancient Soyombo alphabet of the Mongolian language -- see why I pose these questions to readers? -- was pretty awesome. I think they are lovely. I was afraid of what the straight lines of the right and top sides would look like at large scale, though. It seemed like they might be too rigid.


Then, I thought I had it! The letter "aum" in the Devanagari alphabet, used in Hindi and several other languages:




It's lovely! It's curvy! It's simple! It's arbitrary! But... as I soon found out... it is the most common graphical symbol of Hinduism out there. My "arbitrary" symbol was just as content-free as a crucifix, star of David, or yin-and-yang symbol.

Back to the drawing board.


Another reader, G, had suggested I look into Maori design, and I was taken by this pendant I had found:

I don't know if that shape conveys meaning in a Maori context or not, but I wasn't taking any chances. I took out the details on the top left to reduce it to a more graphic level, flipped it around the vertical axis, and "cut a hole" to make it look slightly more caligraphic. Here's what I came up with:


Now, here's the question: Have I successfully come up with a completely arbitrary symbol? In other words, have you ever seen this shape in a corporate logo, in religious iconography, in a foreign alphabet, or anyplace else? 'Cause I don't want to make this thing and discover I've just made an elaborate advertisement for the Americaplump MegaAgriCorp, Inc., or whatever.



* Very possibly the first ever use of this sentence in human history.