Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Not Cut Out For Management

I saw this last weekend:

So yeah, my girlfriend suggested I blog about needing a manager, and I was like, Eh, that's kind of weird, but she pointed out that that's how I found my musical factotum and near-soulmate Scrap. And pretty much anytime musicians talk about a new manager, there's a wistful thread of the conversation that goes, "If only there appeared, magically out of the blue, some super-fired-up young person who's chomping at the bit to work his ass off, but where would you find one?"

If that's you, drop a line to md (at) mikedoughty (dot) com. Now, if you're somebody that's never dealt with the music business, if you're just maybe looking for a new kind of work, I'm afraid this may not be for you. But if you're a manager out there who digs what I've been doing, get in touch.

-- From the blog of musician Mike Doughty

And reponded like this:

Mr. Doughty,

I hope that you will not consider hiring me as your new manager. You would be crazy to. True, I am “maybe looking for a new kind of work,” but my mere availability would by no means compensate for my sheer unsuitability for the position.

Not only have I never worked in the music business, but I am sure I would be uniquely bad at it if I tried. Being the manager of a rock artist presumably involves lots of telephone conversations and negotiations, which I would frankly suck at. I hate telephones, and I am telling you right up front that I would be unwilling to purchase or carry a cell phone for work use. I should also mention that I can be socially awkward, especially around the types of confidently cool guys who seem to own and operate most clubs and bars. I would likely get flustered around them and cause you no end of embarrassment.

I’m reasonably hard-working, detail-oriented, and all of that, but my lifestyle is not at all suited to the music industry. I expect a regular salary and benefits package. I like to get to work first thing in the morning and be on my way home at 5:03 p.m. I am not willing to travel for business.

I read So You Want to be a Rock and Roll Star a few years ago, but unfortunately have forgotten everything I might have learned from it about the process by which a band is scheduled to play in a certain place at a certain time. I know nothing about record labels or the contracts that musicians negotiate with them. I can only guess at what the rest of a manager’s job might entail, but honestly I would probably suck at those bits too.

I have problem-solving skills that are really no better than the next guy’s, and my judgment is pretty middle-of-the-road too. I tend to freeze up a little bit in a crisis. I like driving at night, which I’ve heard is a good skill for a rock manager, but since, like I mentioned, I’m not willing to travel for work, I guess it’s a moot point.

I do, it must be said, “dig what you’ve been doing.” But this one thing should not blind you to my many inadequacies. I sincerely hope that you will not ask me to be your new manager.

Best Wishes,

...so far, I haven't heard back.


Wednesday Weigh-In

Target Weight: 212

...and after a few week of diligent exercise and reduced diet:

Actual weight: +2, 214.

Diet Cola Consumption: Holding Steady at 44 oz, per plan.


Morgan said...

I think I've heard a song by him before.
Did you actually send this to him?

Michael5000 said...

@Morgan: Sure. He's a public figure; I'm sure he's used to oddballs coming out of the woodwork.

Yankee in England said...

The weight thing will come keep going.

Rebel said...

you crack me up.

Anonymous said...

Dude --

You're hired. In spite of your inadequacies, you finally saw the light on the Hillary/Barak thing. Means you've got a brain. The rest, we can force you to learn. Start tomorrow. Oh, and your work hours are OK, just switch the AM and PM around. And, we already have a Mike, so your name will have to go.


Rebel said...

dude...isn't it thursday? is the thursday quiz on hiatus? I can't remember