Sunday, May 11, 2008

Creative Composition Results

OK, these were so damn good that I'm just going to change the rules some. And even at that, I'll have to leave out some of the ones that really made me laugh, like Karin and Boo's ambivalent homages to their home states and Morgan's Latin-intensive adherence to the Linnaean theme. But courage! We procede.

Fifth Place

Two classic, beautifully-formed limericks -- in fact, I would have sworn that I had heard of that lady of Kush before. I hadn't. Very satisfying in and of themselves, these entries are at fifth, arguably unfairly, only because of their tangential adherence to theme.

La Gringissima

An elegant lady of Kush,
Was walking out in the bush,
A monkey swung by,
Whacked her right in the eye,
And she landed smack dab on her tush.


Of pets, we all know Felis cattus
Is the one that provides the most satis-
Fying ownership
They don't give us no lip
They just sit on our laps and purr at us.

Fourth Place

Chance deviated from the limerick form to provide this first-ever, to my knowledge, instance of the Phyrgian gonzo sonnet:

The ancient kingdom of Phrygia
(You never once heard of it, didja?)
Flourished in what is now modern Turkey
With an early history that is murky
But didn't last long under that name:
The Cimmarians (of Conan fame)
And the Lydians and the Persians
Were among those who made incursions.
It fell to Greek swords and Greek bowmen,
And later was forced to become Roman.
And now you know just a little smidgen
Of the ancient kingdom that was Phrygian.
I hope you enjoyed this lesson
And the silly way in which I rhymed it,
Now I must, though, be confessin',
It took nine minutes to write (I timed it).

Third Place

In third, a quartet of limericks on the topic of dental hygeine. I love the inclusive take on "dental hygeine" in all four instances, and all four made me guffaw audibly.


I once switched toothpaste, from Ipana to Crest
Without any idea which one was the best
Neither one did the job
But you won't hear me sob
There's a female hygienist sprawled on my chest


It doesn’t take much of a sleuth,
To sort out the fate of my tooth:
A cheap, lousy stripper,
A refusal to tip her,
And a bouncer who wasn’t quite couth.


My cat, a specimen quite supple,
Lacks a certain lady-like scruple,
Nightly I brush her fangs,
While she chews on my bangs,
Then she likes to suck her own nipple!


Poor brushing can bring gingivitis
Or worse, severe periodontitis
The ladies insist
On good dental habits
Or you’ll risk a lack of their coitus

Second Place

The second-place winners share an adherence to theme and a rock-solid conformance to limerick meter. Rebel further had the good sense to get in a little pandering, and Jen has a little bit of whatshisname going on there. What IS his name.... Oh! Ogden Nash is who I'm thinking of.


There was a young man from Eugene
with no concept of dental hygiene.
He'd not floss, brush, nor rinse,
but he'd smile like a prince.
'Cause a Duck has no teeth to keep clean!


Is the ternpike a bird or a fish?
Linnaeus is no use. I wish
I could make a distinction
In case of extinction
Or in case one shows up on my dish.

First Place

Although I realize it must be unseemly to judge in favor of my wife again, I am sufficiently stunned by her four-limerick paeon to oddball fauna of the Australian bush and happily hand her the prize for Event #5.

This egg-laying mammal's no wuss, he's
the toast of all Gillawatussie.
In prehistory's muck
water rat mounted duck
and the genome got all platypussy.

These monotreme freaks of Australia
have electrolocation to nail ya.
She gives milk without nipples,
he's got venom that cripples,
and embarrassingly crude genitalia.

Taxonomic description-defier,
platypuses are mammals just under the wire.
What determines their sex is
not just Y's and X's
but ten-chromosome stews of desire.

Ornithorhyncus anatinus, you make a
splendid genetic fruitcake. A
blessing upon
your far billabong,
may your eggs safely pass your cloaca.


Unknown said...

Whatya gotta do to win a contest around here? Sleep wit da judge?

Michael5000 said...

Wa wa wa....

Rebel said...

I think Mrs5K wins that one fair & square.

But just so you know, I wasn't so much pandering as looking for something to rhyme with "Hygeine" then just went with it. I'd have been screwed if you'd gone to OSU.

fingerstothebone said...

Wait just one minute!

1. I happen to know that Mrs5000 has an MFA in poetry, so shouldn't that place her in the Professional Category, rather than take the 1st prize from us Mere Mortals? So that should advance me to 2nd place...

2. Speaking of pandering, did I not, I repeat DID I NOT, pander by including the name of this Prestigious Decathlon Event in my 2nd entry, which did not even place. It's outrageous!

Rebel said...

Wait... she has a MFA in poetry??? I redact my "fair & square". =P

Anonymous said...

It's true about the MFA--come on, we all have a deep, dark secret, don't we?--though limericks were of course frowned upon. "Poetry" and "professional" are two categories that don't usually have much overlap on the old Venn diagram, but I concede ms.fingers has a point.

Where, in all this, is a little credit for work that is not only on-topic, scatological, daringly rhymed, and painstakingly researched (thanks, Wiki), but even attuned to recent news in genetic research? You guys might cut me a little slack.

fingerstothebone said...

Mrs5000, surely that's like taking candy from children. What's the satisfaction in the prize?

Chance said...

Yeah, we call connubial hijinks. if you ask me, and no one ever will, this whole thing smacks of uxoriousness.