Saturday, May 17, 2008

The Weekend Funnies: Event #8 Results


I'd been looking forward to seeing what y'all came up for these captions. Here are the ones that made me chuckle or, in some cases, guffaw the most. (Excepting my own submissions, of course, which I thought were a scream. I have a little problem with laughing at my own jokes.)

[Warning: Your sense of humor may differ from my own. We can't help that.]

I certainly appreciated the two pandering entries that looked ahead (3 months, 11 days!) to college football season:

Art historians confirmed the recent discovery of a medieval manuscript that describes the tradition that apparently goes back hundreds of years -- the Ducks parading their cheerleaders to rile up the crowds into a pre-game frenzy. (fingers)

Ducks Walk Away with Orange Bowl. (Mrs.5000)

DrSchnell's entry was in the classic New Yorker style:
"Sure beats migrating!"

Critical Bill put a political spin on it:
The newly released pictorial display of the Bush Administration's food pyramid for the 21st century.

And Cartophiliac got mediaeval on its... well, maybe just Pythonesque, actually:
"OK, so if they float they are witches... wait! What does that make us?"

But my three favorites were:

3. Girl 2: "The key to a good rolling orgy is to be pulled very slowly." (Phineas)

2. “Early pizza delivery didn’t work as expected.” (Phineas’ Boss)

and 1. "It doesn't mean they're going to sleep with us, idiot. They're just using us because we got our licenses." (dan)

For the Van Eyck masterpiece, I enjoyed Phinea's take:

“Oh no, no, no. I’m not buying the Immaculate Conception story this time.”

But I can only put three in my top three, and I had to pick:

3. "Dost this gown maketh me look fat?" "Talketh to the hand, woman" (Rebel) (It's a lot like my own idea, but the "eth"s make it better.)

2. "Beam us up, Scotty...Maartje, Toto, me, Jan's slippers...Jan's slippers! Scotty, where's Jan?!" (fingers)

and 1. "I'm just saying: I'm not walking it, I'm not feeding it, and I will lock it in the East Tower if it starts barking. This is YOUR dog." (Dan)

I like karmasatre's surrealist "Lucy's strategy helps Charlie come within three inches of his goal of devouring his left foot," and Cartophiliac's political "But you told me that the football was Weapon of Mass Destruction!"

Also, I always appreciate a nod to the classics: "At least Sisyphus didn't have a choice..." (dan) and “Charlie, you fucked [expletive undeleted] up. You trusted me.” (Phineas)

But two stood out for me here. Rebel's caption seems like something that the great Schultz might have put in there himself in his later years, when he started getting kind of random and trippy:

It's the negative energy that you're putting out into the universe, Charles. If you really believe in the power of the universe to provide you with a football, the football will be there.

And my favorite, dripping with acid, from DrSchnell:


[DrSchnell's opinions are not necessarily those of the L&TM5K, the michael5000 family of blogs, or the staff and management of Castle5000. Of course, they might be.]

Grinding this all through a nonsensical algorhythm in the classical michael5000 fashion, we find FingerstotheBone with 5th place honors, Rebel and Phineas tied at 3rd, and DrSchnell in 2nd.

dan walks away with Event #10 top honors. This perhaps is not surprising from a guy who, I just learned, has just published his first (I assume) graphic novel. It's a dark comedy about life in a cubicle farm; think of a surreal Dilbert but with wit, depth, and actual graphic art. He tells you how to download it here -- it's slightly complicated, but free. I did, and read it late last night thinking "oh, just one more chapter..." all the way through.

[The above paragraph is a voluntary unsolicited testamonial. It has not been compensated in any way by dan, the Von Trapper Keeper blog, or the online book distribution system. What's up with that?]


Anonymous said...

Dan cracks me up.

Rebel said...

You neglected to delete the expletive... unless there was another one after 'fuck'. And hey - I thought you were trying for a R rating anyway. ;)

Michael5000 said...

@boo: Yeah, me too.

@rebel: Look again!

Rebel said...


Dan Nolan said...

Glory! Thanks (for the round 8 victory and for the BCSDDB props). And yeah, what is up with the complicated wowio deal. I'm getting frustrated with it. Here's a free straight up download (no registration involved, no 25 centavos for me) link instead:

Dan Nolan said...

[also, I've pulled in a whopping $9.00 of revenue so far. I'll send the M5K Foundation it's 2% royalty check.]

fingerstothebone said...

Ooooh, I just thought of a really disgusting caption for #1, involving college football (panderpanderpander), the Ducks, and their OSU rivals. But for all that I know, that was what you had in mind to start out with...why, you disgusting dirty rotten scoundrel you!

Bridget said...

So sad I missed participating in this one!