Wednesday, November 4, 2009

White Smoke over the Dork Conclave

Annuntio vobis gaudium magnum!

Despite the relatively small numbers of entrants this year, it was nevertheless a difficult conclave, as the very strong merits of the applicants had to be weighed in the balance. And let me say this: pretty much every one of you reading this is a great big dork.

Indeed, the greatest challenge of DorkFest is in seperating out the exogenous evidence for dorkitude, if you will, out of the equation, and to focus on the evidence as presented. Otherwise, how could Honorable Vice-Dork Emeritus ever lose? Why, only by competing against Mrs.5000, whose almost limitness dork potential I have special insight into. In this matter, though, I must defer to the judgment of Honorable Dork Emeritus Rex Parker, who found upon reviewing her entry (a gloating tour of her room full of 'lyrical trash' in the Castle5000 dungeons) that "there is something too... accomplished and competent about" Mrs. 5000. I suppose I can see that.


As of the time of this post, we do not technically have a Vice-Dork. The position has been offered to Jenners, whose recent post on Halloween costumes past is representative of the work of a woman who has embraced her dork identity. One hopes she'll stumble into this ceremony sometime during the day and give us and answer and perhaps a brief statement?

If she declines to serve or just doesn't show up, it'll have to go to the Supreme Court.

Habemus Dorkam!

Just from the method of her application, the third L&TM5K Dork has shown strong signs of excellence. There was an initial profession that, with various career-determining deadlines looming, she couldn't possibly compete. Then, there was a confession that, having looked at past competitions, she didn't feel worthy. And then came the highly detailed three-page Dork CV, fetchingly dated "Dorktober 2009" and submitted with a little flurry of apologies for its inadequacies.

Gentle readers, the blog Dork for 2009-2010 is sporadic commenter and 2009 Decathlon Champion Eversaved.

The CV has been posted on the Life & Times of michael5000 Facebook site for your perusal and review. This link might get you there, if you have committed the faux pas of not being an L&TM5K fan on Facebook.

The Acceptance Speech

To the esteemed L&TM5K community, and especially to the 2008-2009 Blog Dork Rex Parker, Vice Dork Rebel, and dorkily worthy fellow 2009-2010 Dorkfest competitors: I thank you for the privilege of serving as Blog Dork for the 2009-2010 year. I promise to fulfill my role to the best of my ability and to, "act in a dorky manner befitting the high intellectual and moral standards of the L&TM5K readership and the larger dork community."

Fifteen years ago I was just a big-boned, buck-toothed, turtleneck-wearing, country-singing nobody. I was a socially awkward, politically-engaged fifth-grade reject flying under the radar of everyone. Little did I know that I would one day represent the L&TM5K readership and the larger dork community by holding such an honored position. As Blog Dork, I promise to support all dorky endeavours. I will never make fun of my fellow dorks, which could cause them to relive traumatic high school experiences that may or may not have involved having a bottom locker underneath the locker of the most popular boy in school and/or public rejection at the junior year winter formal.

In conclusion, I extend my sincerest gratitude and best wishes to all.
Ever Saved
Blog Dork

See, I think she's going to do fine.

Eversaved, congratulations and, incidentally, best of birthday wishes. The Mr. Shain Memorial Card will be coming at you soon. And Rex -- we'll get a replacement out to you too.


fingerstothebone said...

Argh! Robbed again!

Jenners said...

Vice Dork here. Due to a family emergency and being beset by sickness (possibly swine flu -- I'm sure of it!), I was unable to get my acceptance speech to you in time. (Also, the insane seething by only being chosen as Vice Dork was problematic as well.)

Here is my acceptance speech:

Dear Michael5000,

I am seething with resentment that I am only the Vice Dork. Whoever you chose will never do as good a job as me. I can outdork and outseethe anyone, anytime, anyplace, anywhere. I WILL prevail next year. Of this you can be sure.

However, I will accept this dubious honor and do the best I can to seethe and pick fault with the Primary Dork. No comment will go by unanalyzed and picked apart by me. No drawing for a contest will be as random as I could have made it. No duties will be carried out in as quite a dorky fashion as I could have handled them.

Your Vice Dork for 2009-2010 Blog Year

I suppose Eversaved thinks she is all that -- ready to represent Dorkdom in the manner in which it needs to be represented. Her acceptance speech seems to indicate her dorkiness first manifested itself in the 5th grade. HA! I myself began exhibiting signs of dorkiness much earlier. As evidence, I present my post -- "Evolution of A Nerd" -- which presents clear photographic evidence of my early dorkiness. I know this post was titled "Evolution of a Nerd." However, my husband (a certifiable Geek) pointed out that the term "Nerd" implies some sort of intelligence and that the term I should have used was "Dork." He may or may not be right. Our marriage hangs in the balance.

Seething in resentment,
Vice Dork for 2009-2010

Michael5000 said...

Oh right on. I think we're in good hands all around.

mrs.5000 said...

All hail, Dork Ever Saved and Vice-Dork Jenners!

I'm afraid I'm too aglow about being described as "accomplished and competent" to seethe properly. Yet another sign of my unworthiness, I'm sure.

PS I can't believe no one joined us at the Academy Theater for Harry Potter last night. This doesn't bode well for Home Improvement Week!

d said...

yeah, i think from the acceptance speeches alone the awarding was well and smartly done.

Epistemz Dialektix said...

I think this community deserves a more detailed explanation about what our esteemed Dork means by her "politically engaged" in primary school.

Once our collective closet has prodigiously barfed out that skeleton, we can commence the uninterrupted praise that Ever deserves.

Michael5000 said...

Why, it's our correspondant from Que Pais!

Rebel said...

I officially cease my seething, and wish a dorky congratulations to all. Dork ON!

Eversaved said...

@ Jenners: Here's my lunch money, ok? Please don't hurt me.

@ Dyabolickal Dialektix, I submit as evidence:
1) In third grade I was obsessed with the complexities of the Branch Davidian standoff and it was all I wanted to talk about. I talked about it so much that my best friend's mom told her daughter, "You shouldn't hang out with Ever anymore. Nice little girls don't talk about those things."
2) In fourth grade I wrote multiple letters to both my state's governor and to the president expressing my concerns about various issues, and I called the White House more than once during those elementary school years. Umm...actually...I had the phone number memorized. The day I got a letter back from "the governor" was the best day of my life at that point. I also remember swearing to my mom that, "I would just DIE!" if Bill Clinton became president, and I called in a vote to Nickelodian's kid polls.
3) In fifth grade I ran for student council. I remember some of the contents of the speech and I know that I won, but I can't remember now what position I ran for.
4) By the time I moved on to middle school, I had read a book about all the first ladies so many times through that it was starting to fall apart. I had also compiled lists of favorites based on politics, niceness, and prettiest dresses (which is basically how the American public ranks first ladies still, without the politics part).
5) At any given point in my formative years, I could tell you all kinds of statistics about the spread of bubonic plague in California's deer population, the latest news on the AIDS front, and the likelihood of dying from carbon monoxide poisoning in your sleep. This resulted from an obsession with the news.
6) By the time I reached high school I had started having violent, vivid nightmares every night about Kosovo, a situation only exacerbated by the fact that my first little boyfriend was Serbian.
Are we happy now?

Epistemz Dialektix said...

You proved your political nature by saying a lot of things without anywhere even hinting at the ideological positions you held at these bullet points of the lifecourse.

Eversaved said...

I'm running for president in '12.

Michael5000 said...

@Epistemz: Au contraire. She hinted.

@Eversaved: Suddenly I miss never having had a little sister....