Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Ten Reckless Claims

1. I was the youngest person to ever serve as chairman of the Oregon Association of Fruit Growers.

2. I competed in "skeleton" at the Lillihammer Olympics, but failed to place.

3. I coined the word "twofer."

4. The Oregon State Court of Appeals has blocked my petition to have my last name legally changed to "5000."

5. I created the original version of "PowerPoint" for my own personal use, but lost the code to Bill Gates in a poker game.

6. I knew Julia Roberts when I was twelve at summer camp.

7. I cribbed my PhD dissertation word for word from a dissertation submitted a few years earlier at a different university -- and no one was ever the wiser.

8. I was going to be placed by the Peace Corps as Kim Jong-il's private English tutor, but the plan fell through three days before I was to arrive in Pyongyang.

9. I am good friends with Kevin Bacon's daughter.

10. I am in possession of several shockingly frank love letters that Abraham Lincoln sent my great-great-great-grandmother during his years in the White House. I see no point, however, in sullying the great man's reputation by selling or publishing them.

7 comments:

DrSchnell said...

Is this an "identify the source" game? If so, #6 is Liz Phair!

Michael5000 said...

@doc: These are merely reckless claims. However, well done.

Kevin Bacon said...

Not any more!

d said...

i invented the penny

Michael5000 said...

@d: Impressive!

boo said...

I have no such reckless admissions. Well, I did tell Johann G. that reading his handwriting gave me a headache so he made that press thing.

I particularly like the #2. Can't say Lillihammer enough.

Heatherbee said...

Dude, does Kevin Bacon really read your blog? That's a way better claim than knowing his daughter! But what does he mean by "not anymore?" Sounds ominous. Be on the lookout for hit men.