Monday, December 2, 2013

The Return of the Christmas Cad

The Christmas Cad was born last year as a typo in a typed conversation that was supposed to be about holiday greeting cards.
"What are your top 3 requirements in a Christmas cad?"

"He needs to treat me bad and push me around, but be one helluva dancer."

"waltz? salsa? ballet? You want a caddish ballet dancer for Christmas, don't you."
Soon I found myself writing little vignettes about our graceful holiday villain.  When I published them here on Infinite Art Tournament, the critics raved.  "This is horrible!" gushed reader gl., "well done."  "When can we expect our next installment?" demanded reader Ben.

Well!  To brighten your holidays this winter, IAT presents four brand-new, never-before seen Christmas Cad stories!  They will appear on the next three Mondays -- the 9th, 16th, and 23rd -- with a very special Christmas Cad story waiting under the tree on Christmas morning!

But first: today, to get you back into the holiday spirit, we reprise:

The Original Christmas Cad Stories

I. Christmas Morning

My Christmas cad came over on Christmas morning, but he wouldn't make conversation with my mother and father.

When I opened my present, it was a pair of ballet flats. "They're really for me," he said, "but you'll get to watch me in them."

I cried a little then, and he said I was being a silly bitch.

When my sister was opening her present from me, he called an ex-girlfriend on his phone. Then he said there were things he needed to do, and left.

Dad says there's sixty dollars missing from his wallet.

I know he's not good for me, but I love him so much!

II. Caroling

I'm so happy that my Christmas cad came caroling with Robert, Jessica, Samantha, and me!

He has such a beautiful voice.

We raised over $150 for charity!

He and Jessica are going to turn in the money first thing tomorrow.

I was hoping that the two of us could do something afterwards, but I know he hates it when I'm clingy.

I guess I'll go to bed early.

III. The Pageant

It made me feel so warm and happy and... joyful, really, when my Christmas cad asked me to watch his little brother's holiday pageant with him!

I guess he must have had to stay late at work.

The little guy did a great job. He's so handsome and talented -- just like his big brother!

After the first act, I saw him looking out at the audience from behind the curtain. I think he was trying not to cry.

He was a perfect little gentleman when he told me he wasn't supposed to accept rides from strangers.

I sure hope he finds a way home.

next Monday: "IV. The Christmas Party"

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