Monday, November 19, 2007

Do the Collapse

So, a weird thing happened last night. I collapsed. Or fainted. I'm not sure which word is better. I get grief either way.

Michael5000: I fainted a couple of times last night. It was kind of scary.
Mrs. ChuckDaddy: You WHAT? You FAINTED? What are you, a Victorian woman? Was your corset too tight?

Michael5000: I collapsed a couple of times last night. It was kind of scary.
Heatherbee: What do you mean? You fainted?
Michael 5000: Yeah, I guess so.
Heatherbee: So women "faint," but men "collapse." Hmph.

So, yeah, I wake up in the middle of the night to take a leak, and then I feel kind of queasy, and then I'm laying on my back in a lake of cat water and cat crunchies and everything that I dragged off the bathroom shelves on the way down. So, that was kind of trippy. Mrs.5000, showing up immediately afterwards, was treated to the sight of me getting to my feet, getting out half of a sentence, and then doing a face plant on the hallway floor.

It all sounds very dramatic, and we didn't hesitate to hie my ass to the emergency room, but it turns out that this kind of thing happens all the damn time. "I get an average of one of these a night," said the kindly ER doc. "It happens to a lot of people, but you probably shouldn't have to worry about it happening again." (and, lest this sound kind of perfunctory, I should say that it was after a couple hours of observation and bloodwork to rule out the shittier causes of fainting).

Nothing like a good collapse, though, to make you feel OLD OLD OLD!!! At least it wasn't a hip.

I thought about y'all when I was at the hospital. I thought, "It's a shame that Mrs.5000 didn't take the time to pack a camera. A picture of my hooked up to the IV would really give a blog post about this a snappy edge."

(I should maybe clarify that Mrs. ChuckDaddy and Heatherbee are AWESOME friends and were making me laugh pretty hard in the above conversations. They are the furthest thing from jerks.)


Anonymous said...

I was happy I thought to bring the unfinished Sunday crossword and the latest New Yorker, but packing a camera to go to the emergency room just didn't occur to me. It would have been a good picture, though, M5000 on i.v. holds his own against multiple nurses peppering him with questions. My favorite part was when they asked me "Is he always like this?" and I got to exclaim delightedly, "Oh, yes!"

G said...

You so wish you had had a camera with you. Then you would have been able to write a post as awesome as this.

Glad you're okay. ...I must say that you managed to describe the action of fainting as though you are a member of Monty Python and just randomly fall over. And for this you must be commended. Cat crunchies all around!

Rebel said...

LMAO... ok... if I ever have to go to the ER, I want Mrs.5K to come with me. Exclaiming delightedly indeed. :P

I'm glad you're okay too. It's scary to have a vasovagal syncope.

Bridget said...

Who needs a camera with prose like that?

fingerstothebone said...

Wow, what a night! I'm glad you're doing fine. Not sure about it 'happening all the time.' I've never fainted, and I get up almost every night (sometimes a few times a night) to use the facilities! And I've had 8 more years of it than you have.

I hope it's not because you're exhausting yourself coming up with quizzes to entertain us all.

fingerstothebone said...

I have a question -- why are 'cat water and cat crunchies' in the bathroom? They eat and drink in the bathroom? Isn't that, eh, rather uncivilized?

gl. said...

ack! ack! human frailty leaves me queasy but fascinated! i'm glad you're okay; i'll bet you totally charmed the nurses.

sven's had this happen a number of times upon waking up & going to the bathroom. it IS scary until you figure out the pattern, at which point it's just annoying. getting up more slowly seems to do the trick. *knock wood*

d said...

holy shit dude. that is scary. i'm not so sure about this whole 'happens all the time' thing. but i'm glad it's nothing serious.

Anonymous said...

Glad they ruled out the shittier things, but disconcerted that it happens all the time. Do you get to spend today loafing on the couch and being brought cups of tea by Mrs5000?
Fingerstothebone: Your expectation of cat civility made me smile. Or is it Michael&Mrs5000 you're accusing of being uncivilized?

Karin said...

Well, there was a 5.8 earthquake off the coast of Bandon yesterday. Maybe you were sympathetically feeling the effects of that.

I'm gonna go with that. yeah.

[Just in case I haven't mentioned it lately, There Will BE no Dying Today. Thank you.]

blythe said...

glad you're alright, buddy. it does happen to me sometimes, but i am a victorian woman.

Rex Parker said...

I want to make so many jokes, but ... I'm just glad you're OK. I would not be nearly as calm as you are - I'd have gone on a multi-day freak-out. I know this from experience. Ask Sandy. Oh how I envy the calm, reasonable, and non-hypochondriacal.


fingerstothebone said...

I'm amazed that other people are reporting the same phenomenon! I have extrememly low blood pressure—record low was 76/38, and I was feeling fine, drove myself to the dr's office for a regular checkup—and have never experienced this.

But, glad you're fine anyhow, except for the feeding of the cats in the bathroom part. They shouldn't take this standing up/sitting down/whichever one it is.

I'm off for my Thanksgiving, across the river, into the woods, over the highway, etc, etc. Happy Thanksgiving to you all.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Umm, I think your Doctor is high. I don't beleive these things happen all the time. I'm a bit frightened for you.

Rex Parker said...

Ignore cherry ride, please. He sounds like me in the middle of a panic attack. If you Google around, you will see that "getting up to urinate at night" *specifically* is listed as a common cause of fainting


mhwitt said...

Michael5000, do you remember this scene?

The year is probably 1987 or 1988. We're in our apartment (known lovingly as "number 11"). You are on the phone, and happen to be facing my direction. I am reclining on the couch or bed in the living room -- or something that doubled as both couch and bed -- doing homework. I get up from my studies, perhaps to head to the kitchen for a drink or bite to eat. I take only a step or two when I am rather suddenly overtaken by an odd compulsion to stoop over at the waist. I feel the world around me getting dark as my upper body bobs up an down a bit. I can vaguely here you shouting, "Mark! Mark! Are you okay?" I have all but fallen over when just as suddently, I snap out of it and stand upright.

For whatever reason I still think of that event from time to time. I honestly think I was on the verge of fainting, but something -- perhaps your shouting -- brought me back from the brink. It was weird, and nothing like it has happened to me since.

Your experience sounds much scarier. Especially the kitty food part.

Bridget said...

I'm glad you're ok, too. And it happens to Sven? Weird! Pattern? Potential correlation or causal relationship? Maybe it only happens to guys who are with really brilliant women . . . Should I make the Sweetie start wearing a helmet to bed?

Michael5000 said...

Thanks for the well-wishes, everyone. Here's the official update -- I haven't keeled over again. It looks like the reason I did is that my system was weakened by the onset of salmonella, or something remarkably like it. And I'm FINE. I'm PERFECTLY OK. On the other hand, if you'd like to read some upbeat, lighthearted blog entries about life with salmonella, or something remarkably like it, you'll have to look elsewhere. I've got my dignity, believe it or not.

@Mrs.5000: That was one of my favorite parts, too.

@g: EXACTLY!! EXACTLY!! I am so jealous that you got pics for your hospital post. On the other hand, it sounds like you had a chance to plan.

@rebel: "LMAO"? More like "ROFL," without the "L." You're right, emergency room visits are more fun with Mrs.5000. She sees the funny side.

Do you know "vasovagil syncope" from personal experience, or from working in a hospital?

@fingers: You see, it helps to keep Yoyo's food away from carpeted surfaces. She's barfy. They can always go down to the kitchen if they want to eat in fancier surroundings.

@Sandy: I spent yesterday with the couch and the tea. I actually got up and moved around today. But I think I'll miss work until after the Thanksgiving holiday. Not to mention the Thanksgivign holiday. :(

@blythe: If you were a REAL Victorian woman, you would have fainted when Mr. Shain made you watch that video. Or perhaps died.

@rex: I'm freaking out inside.

@[Cherry]: I'm pretty sure he wasn't high. He seemed kind of square. It seems like there are a lot of people (like me, until yesterday) who don't know about the fainting thing, but plenty of others (gl.'s husband, Blythe) who have been there, done that.

@MHW: I don't remember that at all. But I suppose nearly passing out is a more powerful experience than watching your buddy almost pass out.

@Bridget: I'm afraid if I endorse your theory, that your Sweetie is going to start to feel pressured to take a dive.

Rebel said...

"Do you know "vasovagil syncope" from personal experience, or from working in a hospital?"

Well, one of our researchers does study the vasovagAl response in pregnant mice... you're not pregnant are you? (that's probably the one question they didn't ask you!)

But a friend's son recently had trouble with fainting, and that was the diagnosis. Turns out he was dehydrated... lots and lots of gatorade later, he's doing okay.

Anonymous said...

Ah yes, just like my Mrs. to give you shit for some frailty. But you should hear her when she bumps her knee or has some other minor malady. That's right, she cries like a Victorian bitch.

blythe said...

@m5k - died. on the inside. i was going to make a victorianesque joke about dying a little death, but that's just gross considering the context.

Chance said...

Holy crap! I am so glad that this had a happy ending! I was afraid you'd reveal you found out you'd had diabetes all this time or something. Very happy to hear you are fine (albeit old).

Michael5000 said...

@rebel: I'll go so far as to say that I am not a mouse.

@ChuckDaddy: I would imagine that she swears amusingly. Your Mrs. cusses about as good as any girl I know.

@Blythe: Ew.

@Chance: Had to slip that little dagger in there at the end, didn't ya? Sigh. But thanks.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to go with the YOU ARE NOT OLD! shrill scream if that's okay.

Babies and kids pass out from stuff like that too. Also, I know a few kids who would eat something salmonella causing if they thought it would make them pass out later.

Very glad to read that you are feeling more in the pink.

I apologize for the shrill scream.

Jenners said... did leave out the part about eating off the floor and raw cookie dough. Good blog post though. I do agree -- it is sissy to faint.