Monday, December 17, 2012

The Christmas Cad Stories

"What are your top 3 requirements in a Christmas cad?"
"He needs to treat me bad and push me around, but be one helluva dancer."
"waltz? salsa? ballet? You want a caddish ballet dancer for Christmas, don't you."
                      - chat conversation that was originally going to be about Christmas cards.

I. Christmas Morning

My Christmas cad came over on Christmas morning, but he wouldn't make conversation with my mother and father.

When I opened my present, it was a pair of ballet flats. "They're really for me," he said, "but you'll get to watch me in them."

I cried a little then, and he said I was being a silly bitch.

When my sister was opening her present from me, he called an ex-girlfriend on his phone. Then he said there were things he needed to do, and left.

Dad says there's sixty dollars missing from his wallet.

I know he's not good for me, but I love him so much!

II. Caroling

I'm so happy that my Christmas cad came caroling with Robert, Jessica, Samantha, and me!

He has such a beautiful voice.

We raised over $150 for charity!

He and Jessica are going to turn in the money first thing tomorrow.

I was hoping that the two of us could do something afterwards, but I know he hates it when I'm clingy.

I guess I'll go to bed early.

III. The Pageant

It made me feel so warm and happy and... joyful, really, when my Christmas cad asked me to watch his little brother's holiday pageant with him!

I guess he must have had to stay late at work.

The little guy did a great job. He's so handsome and talented -- just like his big brother!

After the first act, I saw him looking out at the audience from behind the curtain. I think he was trying not to cry.

He was a perfect little gentleman when he told me he wasn't supposed to accept rides from strangers.

I sure hope he finds a way home.


Ben said...

I love these. Very funny!

gl. said...

this is horrible! well done. :)

Ben said...

When can we expect our next installment?

Michael5000 said...

Ben and gl., thanks for your enthusiasm. I'm fairly proud of these. Ben, I have a few more percolating in my head, but you'll have to wait until next year to see if they become a tradition. Or, you can make an attempt at writing to the form! Christmas Cad story contest!