Event #5 Results!

First, off, my huge thanks to guest jurist Mrs.Chuckdaddy, who took time off from her twin responsibilities as a yoga instructor and as co-parent to Chuckdaddy junior to join me in evaluating what I must say was an amazingly strong set of entries in the Physical Prowess event. Those of you who fondly remember The ChuckDaddy Express blog may be interested to hear that Mrs. Chuckdaddy is once again in the family way, meaning that ChuckDaddy will soon be a daddy twice over. It's all very cute.

Mrs. Chuckdaddy and myself did not see eye to eye across the board in ranking the entries, so we resolved our differences the old-fashioned way -- with mathematical rubrics. Lamentably, we don't have room to acknowledge every entry here, but there are a few special awards right off the bat:

Ben -- Humanitarian of the Year for his rigorous exercise in aiding the hungry
Rex -- Most Original Prowess for his rigorous exercise in service of student vampire films
Rebel -- Most Exotic Prowess for her rigorous exercise in pursuance of Thai-American relations
Dr. Kenneth Noisewater -- The Brevity Is the Soul of Wit Medal.
Annie -- Most Charming and Incisive Description of Day-in-the-Life of a Mom with Three Heavy Children

Sixth Place

A four-way tie for sixth saw, firstly, la gringissima swimming far, far further than I ever could, and faster than she ever had before.

Mrs.5000 impressed the judges with by recounting a bicycle trip that involved the purchase of a number of estate sale "bribes" for one of the judges. Rest assured, her careful enumeration of these so-called bribes did not affect the judging in the slightest, one way or the other.

Missy, in addition to a special award for Cleverest Attempt to Win Without Actually Exhibiting Physical Prowess scored big points for planning and executing a walk in the form of the official alternative punctuation mark of the L&TM5K, the interobang!



and Eversaved, in addition to taking Mrs. Chuckdaddy's award for Most Amusing Entry, also scored high for her tale of grueling endurance at a wedding celebration. It started like this:

What if I were to tell you that just this weekend I submitted myself to the cruel & unusual physical torture of complying with the normative standards of quotidian female behavior in modern American society? Would you believe that my full and expected participation in an ostensibly joyful celebration resulted in burns, blisters, bruises, and potential exposure to exotic diseases? I will tell you a tale of human endurance that will both horrify and inspire.

It was pretty damn funny.

Fifth Place

Our Honorable Vice Dork Emeritus Fingerstothebone scored high for sheer bravado:

despite having lost all arm wrestling matches, I am undaunted and I continue to arm wrestle any and all challengers. I bet there's not another human being who's able or willing to do as much as that.

I quote Mrs. ChuckDaddy: "arm wresting is fucking cool, especially if you never, ever win, but you keep on doin' it. I love an underdog." In some ways, it strikes me, Mrs. ChuckDaddy does not fit the yoga instructor mould. But I digress.

Fourth Place

Elizabeth won the judges' hearts and minds on three scores. First, by being a pedestrian commuter ("walking to work... is pretty damn badass" -- Mrs. ChuckDaddy). Secondly, because she has made big improvements in her health to be able to be a pedestrian commuter. And thirdly, because she made this fetching collage of sights along the walk!

Third Place

d impressed with a four-day fitness journal that included entries like these:

10am Intermittent drizzle (I swear I saw snow at one point) and chilly temps don't deter me from deciding to go for a long-ish run today. I spontaneously decide to double my mileage and see what happens. Apparently taking a month off was a good thing. I do 8 miles in 53:09. Most definitely a personal best. And so far, my hip doesn't hurt.

For the record, in 53:09 I run about four miles (45 minutes) and then lie on the ground gasping (8:09). There was also climbing involved. d's a stud. 'nuf said.

Second Place

Here's Sandy:

I just got back from passing my 2nd level red belt karate test. The American Tang So Do Karate Association has white, yellow, two levels of orange, three levels of green, and 3 levels of red. Which means I'm two tests away from my black belt. It was over an hour long, with lots of kicking, punching, blocking, and squat thrusts. At the end, I had to break a board with a jump back kick. I'm supposed to be humble about this, but I'm pretty dang proud. If you had seen me in high school gym class, you would never have guessed I could do something that involved physical coordination, courage, strength, sustained training, and calling everyone "sir" and "ma'am." I might not know much about chemistry, but I can take you down and run away fast.

Basically, we saw her entry as a thinly-veiled threat, and voted accordingly.

Most Prowess!

But even Sandy's board-breaking kick couldn't keep Balaywho from taking top honors in Event #5. Here's what she does for a good time:

Why only yesterday, I completed the "pack test" : a test of physical fitness to determine whether my sorry ass is fit enough to participate in yet another year of wildland firefighting. The nature of the pack test is as follows: walk 3 miles in 45 minutes carrying a 45 pound pack. I completed the test in 43 minutes and 9 seconds. Physical prowess, n'est-ce pas? Add on to this that on my last 2 fire fighting assignments I have been the oldest person (by quite a few years) on a crew of 20 (not to mention one of just 3 or so women), and I think that I might be worthy of some sort of M5K prize.

Again, I can't say it any better than my co-judge's notes: "Okay, seriously, wildland firefighter???? Um, BADASS. Plus, she got a whopping 3 points on the wit scale, just for incorporating "n'est-ce pas" into her entry." Got a blazing inferno you need put out? Call balaywho.

Epilogue

Honestly, pretty much everybody who entered really outdid themselves on this one. We were a little flumoxed by having to rank stories that ranged from very funny to very moving. You are a pretty studly bunch of readers, n'est-ce pas?

Leaderboard -- After Events 1 - 6

129.5 d
127.5 annie
125.5 Eversaved
125.5 Missy
119.5 Mrs.5000
119 gl.
117.5 Rebel
113.5 Kadonkadonk
111 Elizabeth
110 la gringissima
108.5 The Calico Cat

With knife-edge margins at the lead, and plenty of folks still in strong contention back in the pack, this Decathlon is still a very live event as the final two creative entries trickle their way in, and the contestents prepare for the final two days of quizzes. Onward!

Event #8!

Deadline for Event #7: Friday 5/8, 6 pm PDT.
Deadline for Event #8: Thursday 5/7, 6 pm PDT.

It's Event #8, the last of the creative contests!

Fiendish Wit
You have until Thursday, 6 PM PDT, to complete your entry.

Your task in this contest is to render three of the five images below amusing and/or interesting by adding text to them. This text could be of any of the following:

• an explanatory caption, like you would find under a newspaper photograph.
• a dialog caption, as in a classic New Yorker-style cartoon.
• speech or thought balloons to indicate dialog, as in most comic books (or a dialog caption, like you might have seen in very old cartoons).
• labels that turn the image into some kind of allegory, as in a political cartoon.

Mixing and matching is fine; e.g., you could give a newspaper caption to one image, give one speech balloons, and turn the other one into a political cartoon.
If you want to alter the images, that’s fine, but not expected. You can just describe labels, thought balloons, and so on in words, either in the comments or by email to

M5KDecathlon@gmail.com.

Judging: Entries will be judged by a panel consisting of michael5000 and a celebrity guest judge who is a person with an excellent sense of humor. Making the judges laugh (or for that matter gasp, cry, despair, flinch, or otherwise react viscerally) will get you a long way. Profundity, innuendo, deft insights, classical and/or literary references, and dazzling wordplay are all good too. No pressure.

Scoring: The texts for each cartoon will be ranked in the usual highly subjective fashion. If anyone has become carried away and submitted for more than three cartoons, only their best three will be retained. For each cartoon, the best answer will receive 10 points, the second best 9 points, the third best 8 points, and so on. Overall score is capped at a maximum of 25 points.

So Here Are the Images
(which, by the way, are courtesy of the great image blog BibliOdyssey. And by "courtesy of," I mean "that's where I found them.)

1. The Fishes



2. Guy With Bottle and Shoe

3. The Fencers



4. In the Skeleton's Study




5. Rural Scene



Deadline: Your captions should be in by 6 p.m. Thursday, May 7. Did I already say that?

Event #7!

Deadline for Event #5: Tuesday 5/5, 9 pm PDT.
Deadline for Event #6: Tuesday 5/5, noon PDT.
Deadline for Event #7: Friday 5/5, 6 pm PDT.

It’s Event #7! Time for the category of:

Verbal Creativity

You have until Friday, 6 p.m. PDT to enter this event.

Use one of the following formats:

• terse, hardbitten noir prose
• faux Shakespearean dialogue
• a scene from a sitcom screenplay
• a child’s alphabet (“A is for Apple, B is for…”)
• parody of the classic rock song “Stairway to Heaven”
• …or any other recognizable style you like,* if you're feeling especially clever

…to express an original and/or amusing idea about one of the following:

• The relative merits of food, shelter, security, and art
• How the world is going to hell in a handbasket and things just aren't like how they used to be
• The role of technology in contemporary relationships
• Rock Music, Then and Now
• Fruits and Vegetables
• How culture shapes language, or maybe language shapes culture, or whatever

Send them entries to

M5KDecathlon@gmail.com

The deadline is 6 p.m. Pacific Daylight Time, Friday, May 8.

Entries will be judged by a jury consisting of michael5000 and maybe a second person if he can drum somebody up. He/they will judge entries according to their humorousness and/or originality, adherence to form, adherence to topic, and overall awesomeness in the by-now-expected highly subjective fashion. The top entries will be posted on the blog as part of the closing ceremonies, of course.

The overall winner will be awarded 25 Decathlon points. The second-place winner will receive 23 points, the third-place winner 22 points, the fourth place winner 21 points, and so on. At fifth place and below, entries may be grouped in ties.

* Although, if the recognizable style you like is haiku, it better be pretty freaking amazing, understand? Faux haiku gets beat to death on the internets.

Decathlon Event #6 / The Monday Quiz LXXII

Deadline for Event #5: Tuesday 5/5, 9 pm PDT.
Deadline for Event #6: Tuesday 5/5, noon PDT.

Skylines

Like last week, this Decathlon Monday Quiz will have nine (9) images. Also, answers may be submitted until Noon Pacific Daylight Time Tuesday.

Monday Quiz Scoring: Having the most correct answers OR having at least seven correct answers will win you the MQLXXII EP.

Decathlon Scoring: Like last week: the first seven correct answers will be worth 3 Decathlon Points apiece. The eighth and ninth correct answers will be worth 2 Decathlon Points apiece.

For each skyline image, identify the city! Hint: only two are Unitedstatsian.

1.

2.
3.

4.

5.

6. These next two images are both from the same European city.

7.

8.

9.

Submit your answers either in the comments or at M5KDecathlon@gmail.com.

Decathlon: Halftime Celebration!

Deadline for Event #5: Tuesday 5/5, 9 pm PDT.

Decathlon Halftime!

Unfortunately, the Rolling Stones had another commitment, and will not be able to provide halftime entertainment. Instead, we'll just take a quick look at the field's top ten.

After four events, out of a possible 100 Decathlon Points, here's what the leaderboard looks like:

92.5 -- d
88 -- gl.
85.5 -- Missy
85.5 -- Rebel
84.5 -- annie
83.5 -- The Calico Cat
83.5 -- Eversaved
79.5 -- Kadonkadonk
79.5 -- defending champion Mrs.5000
70 -- Elaine
70 -- defending Blue medalist la gringissima

And with perennial threats like Elizabeth and defending Red medalist Cartophiliac lurking right off this list, you know that the likes of d, gl., and Missy aren't relaxing one whit.

What Next?

As in a real Decathlon, the back half of this event is all about stamina and carrying through to the finish line. As I learned last night, when I stayed up until all hours coming up with the Second Week contests, a little aspect of things I had kind of let slide.

There will of course be a Monday Quiz event and a Thursday Quiz event. Also, there are two more Creative contests coming your way -- having demonstrated your skill with images, it might be good to get your verbal skills warmed up for the coming week.

Meanwhile, keep your brain stretched out, flexible, and well-hydrated! It's still a long week coming, and we definitely don't want any sprains or injuries.

See ya tomorrow for the Quiz!

Decathlon: Event 2 Results!

Deadline for Event #5: Tuesday 5/5, 9 pm PDT.

Winners of the Visual Category!

Well, the jury has convened and made some tough decisions! The jury did not in fact see eye to eye down the line, so the actual final rankings are, as you would hope, a more or less consensus opinion. Big ol' thanks, incidentally, to co-jurist Ann Piper, artist extrordinare and professor of painting at a Pennsylvania liberal arts college for lending her time and expertise to this enterprise. She put my OWN entry, which I slipped into her stack and actually thought was kind of funny, almost in last place, but I'm sure that won't cause any permanent, festering rift of resentment between us. The old shrew.



Tied For Fifth!

You will immediately see that many of the entries are too complex to show up well in Blogger images. Over the next few months, I will put some of them up as posts in their own right, with more detailed images and explanation.

You certainly can't fully appreciate Eversaved's entry, for instance, from this small image. PACKED with content, it is a flowchart showing every possible permutation of a modern, technology-aided relationship. It is very funny. Also, the artist points out that she bought glitter pens just for this assignment, which at least half of the judges found very moving. You will eventually see more of Dr. Saved's Legit Social Scientific Analyses of Technology in Relation(ship)s (Kind of)!




Judge Piper, who has never even met Mrs.5000, found Veggieland5000 "Hilarious"! So did I, in that it is all about me! Me me me! But it's also a pretty sophisticated Venn diagram-cum-allegorical map, with some general applicability to the ways that many men and women negotiate the politics of the daily meal. Nevertheless, stung by last year's accusations of impropriety in the judging, I recused myself from initial judgement of Veggieland5000 and then docked it a little for being idiosyncratic. Nevertheless, it has totally earned its place in the parade, and is another one I'll put in its own post down the road.



Fourth!

In fourth spot, and again difficult to make sense of at this scale, is Missy's allegorical map of Medius Cultura and the surrounding Mare Artium. I am personally smitten, not just because it is an allegorical map, by its overall mood and take on the theme. The text is key to understanding the whole, so again, this is one we will look at in more detail in a future episode.




Third Place!

The judges loved the simple, funny, xkcd-esque presentation of Rebel's treatment of that eternal modern paradox: when you are drunk enough to send that kind of message, you are also too drunk to make sure your phone is sending it to the right person. Choose Carefully reminds us that Nokia and nookie are not always one and the same.Second Place!

With what one judge called "My kind of diagram," gl.'s Looking For Love makes that point that technology's impact on love and relationships is... maybe not so much. Clean craftsmanship, finely tuned visual balance, and the ability to support multiple interpretations add to the overall awesomeness.


And the Winner of Event Two!

Professor Piper called it "perfect." I called it "awesome." d calls it Technology is Killing Us. And here it is:

If you can't read the text, it goes like this:

A = email
B = instant message
C = cell phone
D = text message
E = saying hi more than once a day

F = what happens when you step away from the computer.

Epilogue:

Many entries were received, but few could be chosen (although all earned Decathlon points, natch). Some were awesome works in and of themselves, but didn't relate clearly enough to the given topics to be given full marks. A few were so highly contextual as to lose impact with the outside judge. What I'm saying here is, if you submitted an entry, you rock! Automatically! Understood? Good.

Decathlon: Event #5!

Deadline for Event #2: Saturday 5/2, Noon PDT.
Deadline for Event #4: Friday 5/1, Noon PDT.
Deadline for Event #5: Tuesday 5/5, 9 pm PDT.

It’s Event #5, which in a salute to all of those other, lesser Decathlons out there, involves:

Physical Prowess!

Between now and the deadline, do something "athletic"! Report back on your performance. Include a brief description of what you did, including any special or mitigating factors that make it more impressive.

Sample Entries:

• The fact that I ran a mile is made more remarkable because I had not hitherto raised myself from the couch in the previous four months, or
  
• My winning the title surprised a lot of people, since I have only been boxing for three months, or
  
• You should respect that I even THOUGHT about doing the laundry so soon after the operation, or
  
• Whatever.

A few lines of text should suffice for your entry, but you can include additional supporting evidence if you are getting way too into the spirit of things.

Send 'em to:

M5KDecathlon@gmail.com

The deadline is 9 PM Pacific Daylight Time, Tuesday, May 5.

Entries will be judged by a jury of two, michael5000 and a person whose profession is kind of related to physical fitness who, although she doesn't know it yet, has been recruited for the occasion. They will judge entries according to:

• their overall impressiveness relative to the general human population.
• equally, their impressiveness for the specific person involved.
• and to a lesser extent, the wit, charm, panache, splendor, etc., of the description.

Multiple entries are again allowable, if you are that kind of obsessive stud, in which case we'll just score your highest-ranked entry.

Scoring: The overall winner will be awarded 25 Decathlon points. The second-place winner will receive 23 points, the third-place winner 22 points, the fourth place winner 21 points, and so on. At fifth place and below, entries may (and very likely will) be grouped in ties.

Questions? The rules committee is at your service!