Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Event #5 Results!

First, off, my huge thanks to guest jurist Mrs.Chuckdaddy, who took time off from her twin responsibilities as a yoga instructor and as co-parent to Chuckdaddy junior to join me in evaluating what I must say was an amazingly strong set of entries in the Physical Prowess event. Those of you who fondly remember The ChuckDaddy Express blog may be interested to hear that Mrs. Chuckdaddy is once again in the family way, meaning that ChuckDaddy will soon be a daddy twice over. It's all very cute.

Mrs. Chuckdaddy and myself did not see eye to eye across the board in ranking the entries, so we resolved our differences the old-fashioned way -- with mathematical rubrics. Lamentably, we don't have room to acknowledge every entry here, but there are a few special awards right off the bat:

Ben -- Humanitarian of the Year for his rigorous exercise in aiding the hungry
Rex -- Most Original Prowess for his rigorous exercise in service of student vampire films

Rebel -- Most Exotic Prowess for her rigorous exercise in pursuance of Thai-American relations
Dr. Kenneth Noisewater -- The Brevity Is the Soul of Wit Medal.
Annie -- Most Charming and Incisive Description of Day-in-the-Life of a Mom with Three Heavy Children

Sixth Place

A four-way tie for sixth saw, firstly, la gringissima swimming far, far further than I ever could, and faster than she ever had before.

Mrs.5000 impressed the judges with by recounting a bicycle trip that involved the purchase of a number of estate sale "bribes" for one of the judges. Rest assured, her careful enumeration of these so-called bribes did not affect the judging in the slightest, one way or the other.

Missy, in addition to a special award for Cleverest Attempt to Win Without Actually Exhibiting Physical Prowess scored big points for planning and executing a walk in the form of the official alternative punctuation mark of the L&TM5K, the interobang!

and Eversaved, in addition to taking Mrs. Chuckdaddy's award for Most Amusing Entry, also scored high for her tale of grueling endurance at a wedding celebration. It started like this:

What if I were to tell you that just this weekend I submitted myself to the cruel & unusual physical torture of complying with the normative standards of quotidian female behavior in modern American society? Would you believe that my full and expected participation in an ostensibly joyful celebration resulted in burns, blisters, bruises, and potential exposure to exotic diseases? I will tell you a tale of human endurance that will both horrify and inspire.

It was pretty damn funny.

Fifth Place

Our Honorable Vice Dork Emeritus Fingerstothebone scored high for sheer bravado:

despite having lost all arm wrestling matches, I am undaunted and I continue to arm wrestle any and all challengers. I bet there's not another human being who's able or willing to do as much as that.
I quote Mrs. ChuckDaddy: "arm wresting is fucking cool, especially if you never, ever win, but you keep on doin' it. I love an underdog." In some ways, it strikes me, Mrs. ChuckDaddy does not fit the yoga instructor mould. But I digress.

Fourth Place

Elizabeth won the judges' hearts and minds on three scores. First, by being a pedestrian commuter ("walking to work... is pretty damn badass" -- Mrs. ChuckDaddy). Secondly, because she has made big improvements in her health to be able to be a pedestrian commuter. And thirdly, because she made this fetching collage of sights along the walk!

Third Place

d impressed with a four-day fitness journal that included entries like these:

10am Intermittent drizzle (I swear I saw snow at one point) and chilly temps don't deter me from deciding to go for a long-ish run today. I spontaneously decide to double my mileage and see what happens. Apparently taking a month off was a good thing. I do 8 miles in 53:09. Most definitely a personal best. And so far, my hip doesn't hurt.

For the record, in 53:09 I run about four miles (45 minutes) and then lie on the ground gasping (8:09). There was also climbing involved. d's a stud. 'nuf said.

Second Place

Here's Sandy:

I just got back from passing my 2nd level red belt karate test. The American Tang So Do Karate Association has white, yellow, two levels of orange, three levels of green, and 3 levels of red. Which means I'm two tests away from my black belt. It was over an hour long, with lots of kicking, punching, blocking, and squat thrusts. At the end, I had to break a board with a jump back kick. I'm supposed to be humble about this, but I'm pretty dang proud. If you had seen me in high school gym class, you would never have guessed I could do something that involved physical coordination, courage, strength, sustained training, and calling everyone "sir" and "ma'am." I might not know much about chemistry, but I can take you down and run away fast.

Basically, we saw her entry as a thinly-veiled threat, and voted accordingly.

Most Prowess!

But even Sandy's board-breaking kick couldn't keep Balaywho from taking top honors in Event #5. Here's what she does for a good time:

Why only yesterday, I completed the "pack test" : a test of physical fitness to determine whether my sorry ass is fit enough to participate in yet another year of wildland firefighting. The nature of the pack test is as follows: walk 3 miles in 45 minutes carrying a 45 pound pack. I completed the test in 43 minutes and 9 seconds. Physical prowess, n'est-ce pas? Add on to this that on my last 2 fire fighting assignments I have been the oldest person (by quite a few years) on a crew of 20 (not to mention one of just 3 or so women), and I think that I might be worthy of some sort of M5K prize.

Again, I can't say it any better than my co-judge's notes: "Okay, seriously, wildland firefighter???? Um, BADASS. Plus, she got a whopping 3 points on the wit scale, just for incorporating "n'est-ce pas" into her entry." Got a blazing inferno you need put out? Call balaywho.


Honestly, pretty much everybody who entered really outdid themselves on this one. We were a little flumoxed by having to rank stories that ranged from very funny to very moving. You are a pretty studly bunch of readers, n'est-ce pas?

Leaderboard -- After Events 1 - 6

129.5 d
127.5 annie
125.5 Eversaved
125.5 Missy
119.5 Mrs.5000
119 gl.
117.5 Rebel
113.5 Kadonkadonk
111 Elizabeth
110 la gringissima
108.5 The Calico Cat
With knife-edge margins at the lead, and plenty of folks still in strong contention back in the pack, this Decathlon is still a very live event as the final two creative entries trickle their way in, and the contestents prepare for the final two days of quizzes. Onward!


The Calico Cat said...

No points for walking to a quilt show to off set the fact that I am flying to a quilt show? So very sad...

Michael5000 said...

@Calico: No, no. To be clear -- all entrants in the creative/physical contests are ranked and get points.

Unknown said...

now if i had only added that i cooked dinner while nursing an 18 pound baby...*sigh...*

Chuckdaddy said...

Your ref needs glasses!

balaywho said...

thanks for not mentioning that some editing was required in the spelling of n'est-ce pas. Really, playing the second language card maybe doesn't count if you bungle it up so badly.

Michael5000 said...

Check it out, people: balaywho -- studly AND humble!!!