Friday, May 1, 2009

Decathlon: Event #5!

Deadline for Event #2: Saturday 5/2, Noon PDT.
Deadline for Event #4: Friday 5/1, Noon PDT.
Deadline for Event #5: Tuesday 5/5, 9 pm PDT.

It’s Event #5, which in a salute to all of those other, lesser Decathlons out there, involves:

Physical Prowess!

Between now and the deadline, do something "athletic"! Report back on your performance. Include a brief description of what you did, including any special or mitigating factors that make it more impressive.

Sample Entries:
  • The fact that I ran a mile is made more remarkable because I had not hitherto raised myself from the couch in the previous four months, or
  • My winning the title surprised a lot of people, since I have only been boxing for three months, or
  • You should respect that I even THOUGHT about doing the laundry so soon after the operation, or
  • Whatever.
A few lines of text should suffice for your entry, but you can include additional supporting evidence if you are getting way too into the spirit of things.

Send 'em to:
The deadline is 9 PM Pacific Daylight Time, Tuesday, May 5.

Entries will be judged by a jury of two, michael5000 and a person whose profession is kind of related to physical fitness who, although she doesn't know it yet, has been recruited for the occasion. They will judge entries according to:
  • their overall impressiveness relative to the general human population.
  • equally, their impressiveness for the specific person involved.
  • and to a lesser extent, the wit, charm, panache, splendor, etc., of the description.
Multiple entries are again allowable, if you are that kind of obsessive stud, in which case we'll just score your highest-ranked entry.

Scoring: The overall winner will be awarded 25 Decathlon points. The second-place winner will receive 23 points, the third-place winner 22 points, the fourth place winner 21 points, and so on. At fifth place and below, entries may (and very likely will) be grouped in ties.

Questions? The rules committee is at your service!


Rebel said...

Dang... too late to include my scuba diving adventure in this one. I'll have to think about this one.

Morgan said...

During fitness testing in P.E., I got more push-ups than anyone else in my group. And there were some pretty tough people in my group.

Elaine said...

Wait! An ancient, gray-haired, retired, arthritic Old Person (I know someone like this, I mean) has to compete against a, a, Young Person who is still taking PE in school?

This is right? and fair?

Okay, the gloves are coming OFF.

I, Elaine, had a ten pound, five ounce baby boy. Not recently, but let's see YOU try it! (I checked the rules; it didn't mention it had to be within a time limit.) (Can I get extra credit for mentioning that the baby is now 6'5" tall? Just consider how many meals I had to cook to grow one that size.)

I don't want to be a whiner, but c'mon. The chemistry and Harry Potter quiz stuff is ruining my GPA.

Rex Parker said...

Elaine, I was 101b 6oz. Now 6'3".

I didn't even bother competing in the Chemistry section.

I am not going to get to exercise in any concerted way before the deadline, so I will have to submit my athletic adventures from acting in a student movie last night.

Playing Bela Lugosi playing a vampire (or maybe Lugosi is supposed to be an actual vampire ... it's not yet clear to me), I had to run through the woods, in a black cape, stumble, fall, get up, and keep running. There were many takes. Capes are not good woods-running wear. They get caught on branches.

Falling was easy. Getting up ... less so. Aggravated a bad left knee. But I'll recover.


Elaine said...

Rex, I think you could have parlayed Growing to Be Six-three into an can't have been easy to live through. (It was horrifying simply to witness all the breakage, outgrown clothing, and so forth. I had left home before my baby brother started his growth spurt.)

I am sure you would have gotten the same two correct answers on Chemistry that I knew. Faint heart never won fair decathlon, eh?

Aren't you too tall to be Bela Lugosi? Why did you not just turn into a bat and fly around the branches, using your sonic echo powers? (tsk, do I have to think of everything for you?)


fingerstothebone said...

I don't know, the rules did say "between now and the deadline", so Elaine, I'm 'fraid your birthing a baby and growing it to 6'5" is probably not going to cut it, unless that's all happened since May 1 (2009)? It is an impressive feat though, I have to say.

Elaine said...

Oh, phooey. Another hope blasted. (I have been skipping the directions--so repetitive. )
I admit that the "baby" is now 25; he was vastly relieved when he stopped growing around age 19. We were all getting worried about all the blows to the head (ceiling fixtures, decorations, door lintels, low-hanging branches.) The best part: his older sister is 4'11". Our family pictures look like a prank.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I drank four Red Bulls, masturbated, and damn near had a heart attack. I think I win.

Ben said...

Today I spent 3 grueling hours on my feet at the Oregon Food Bank in sub-temperate conditions, arduously repackaging food for distribution to hungry families all over Oregon and SW Washington.

I was a member of a team that readied nearly 6,000 pounds of frozen pizzas for dispersal. That translates to about 4,600 meals. My individual stats: approximately 235 pounds processed for about 180 meals.

Whew. I'm exhausted (and hungry) just thinking about it.

Michael5000 said...

@Ben: Even better than playing the virtue card? Playing the virtue card right after Dr. Noisewater's, um, submission.

Rebel said...

I hereby submit my entry for 'physical prowess':

PB said...

Well, I ran in my first 5K in two years (which probably brings my lifetime total up to about 4), and placed 3rd in my age group (ok, it was sponsored by the all girls school I teach at, so there were only 3 runners in the male 20-29 group... but I was running with my wife!).

But that's small beans compared to my Sunday plans - a feat I have attempted but once and never finished. I am going to watch an entire cricket match. This 5 hour event promises to be so grueling that a break for tea and cucumber sandwiches will doubtlessly be necessary. And in addition to the physical strain, there will be considerable mental pressure, as I feverishly work to figure out what the hell is going on based solely on what I've picked up from the works of P.G. Wodehouse.

Elaine said...

Dorothy Sayers, in one of her mysteries featuring Peter Wimsey, explains the game. It does, alas, make one wish to run the other direction... but is good training for the silly Quiditch matches in HP books.

PB said...

Ah yes, I vaguely remember reading that - Murder Must Advertise, I want to say; not one of her stronger novels, as I recall. But I think I've picked up more from a couple times through the Mike and Psmith stories by Wodehouse. In any case, the cricket today was unfortunately rained out, so those physical and mental exertions will have to wait for another day. The day's (or night's, noting my procrastinatory tendencies) new task involves grading 34 in-class essays connecting "isms" to the World Wars...

Elaine said...

Did you assign that topic? Because, if so, I am sorry to say that it serves you right, having to grade what are no doubt gruesome attempts to beat thin, watery ideas into puffy clouds of essay response.....

I can't keep Sayer's novels straight, except to say that her minute explanation of bell-ringing in _The Nine Tailors_ was even more tiresome. But I was young then and could stand up to more excess verbiage.

It's raining here, too....9" for the week.

PB said...

The topic was a collaborative effort with my two colleagues also teaching sections of the course; I love your metaphor, and dare not extend it for fear of ruining it, but I expect a fair mix of the gruesome and the competent.

As far as Sayers, I find that her novels often meander a little too far from the plot (which is often not quite to the same standards as some of the other great detective fiction writers - the mystery of the Nine Tailors, in particular, was startlingly easy to figure out). I love her short stories, though - the same wonderful characters, but much tighter plots.

gl. said...

i submit -three- athletic events for the decathlon:

1. i made butter! and by "i" i mean my kitchen-aid mixer, which did the 20 minutes of whisking. if i had actually done all that whisking myself, i would not be able to type this and would probably be out of the running for all future decathlon entries. the horror! but there -was- a tense moment of coordination and skill while kneading and rinsing the butterball, which could be considered the culinary equivalent of rodeo. wrestling the proverbial greased pig would have been just as difficult, but ultimately less satisfying.

2. late last night i made a last-minute run to freddy's on my bike. this is decathlon-worthy in part because i did not choose to go to the 2 closest freddy's: that would be too easy! instead, i went one i had never biked to before. i wanted to go earlier but first it was too rainy and then it was too windy and then it was too dark and then i figured if i was going to go i had better just get up and go. so i went 7.5 miles at 10 p.m.

3. today i went on the "pretty dress" group ride, where males & females alike were attired in pretty dresses! i'll bet no other decathlon entry will demonstrate its physical prowess while wearing a long flowing dress, jewelry and coordinated shoes. plus, there was a picnic! all exercising should be this civilized. (total distance, 5.1 miles)

Rebel said...

gl, when I get back to portland will you promise to go on a 'pretty dress' bike ride with me???

Unknown said...

I have three children. My youngest child, Samurai, has just mastered crawling and pulling himself up on things. He's very interested in trying to climb the stairs...of which my house has 47.

My oldest child, Johnny, has a huge collection of Polly Pockets. For those of you who aren't familiar, Polly Pockets are eeeeensy weensy tiny little people with smaller shoes and pets. My middle guy, Callaway plays with Legos all day long. He just turned three so keeping them in one place is a fairly unrealistic expectation. The crawling baby likes to put Polly Pocket shoes and Legos in his mouth. I bent over at least 97 times before noon to pick up Legos and Polly Pockets, carried the baby up and down the stairs 12 times to put these and other items back where they came from.

After lunch I packed up the brood for a trip to Costco. Sounds easy enough, right? Wrong. Callaway, weighs 44 pounds. He's also very indecisive. With Samurai in a sling, I put Callaway into and took him out of the shopping cart 5 times. I also loaded and unloaded my car all by myself, including the new microwave.

While cooking dinner, Johnny and I had a Dolly Parton dance party. I taught her how to do some really rad 80's dance moves. She taught me how to gallop and throw a lassoo while belting out a hardy "YEEEEEHAW!!!"

My mop broke while I was mopping the kitchen after dinner. What with a crawler, I had to finish sanitizing the floor on my hands and knees.

I didn't make it to the gym that day.

Elaine said...

Annie? (very small voice) Do you really have three children, all less than school-age? Doesn't Callaway like Duplo blocks? Did you really name one child Samurai? Or have you changed their names to protect them?

Elaine said...

Oh, P.S., I think you should probably win!
or maybe place second.
After me.

Unknown said...

I do have three children under 5! Johnny Valentine's 4, Callaway just turned 3 and Samurai (yes, these are their real names) is 8 months. Never a dull moment....

Unknown said...

Oh, and Callaway never liked Duplo blocks. He's a lego builder through and through. You should see some of the things he comes up with - helicopters, houses for tiny cats... It rocks.

Elaine said...

Well, you are in for a lot of good times over the coming 2o years. (I had an awful time with the Empty Nest; going back to teaching helped me over the hump. sigh)

Hope that the Polly dollies digest well.....

Eversaved said...

Ever's submissions #s 2 and 3!

gl. said...

yes, rebel! we'll wear pretty dresses and ride bikes whenever you want! (which reminds me: would a bicycle be a partial solution to the lack of a motorbike in thailand? you could cover a 5 mile radius pretty easily with a bike without gas or licensing.)

one last decathlon submission:
tonight i went to hoop class: we were practicing knee & hip hooping! tomorrow i can guarantee you my knees will be bruised. aren't bruises a definite sign of physical prowess?

and all this activity despite the swine flu mandate for social distancing!

fingerstothebone said...

Oh phooey, I give up.

fingerstothebone said...

Wait, wait. Upon re-reading and re-reading of the rules, I believe this entry does qualify under the 3 conditions as stated:

1. overall impressiveness relative to population
2. impressiveness relative to me
3. wit/charm/blah blah of the description

So let me impress upon you that, despite having lost all arm wrestling matches, I am undaunted and I continue to arm wrestle any and all challengers. I bet there's not another human being who's able or willing to do as much as that.

And let me further impress upon you that relative to me, this has been quite extraordinary--I had been rather certain that, in all case, I would win.

As for the rest, it speaks for itself.

gl. said...

did you just armwrestle someone, fingers? if so, tell us about the exciting match!