Monday, October 20, 2008

DorkFest 2008: Results

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Annuntio vobis gaudium magnum! Habemus Dorkam!

But first....

It was a rigorous and exhausting conclave for the Honorable Dork Emeritus G and I. From the no fewer than 27 people who submitted some form of dorky credentials, we had to choose the very dorkiest. It was no mean feat. And yet, in the end, we were in considerable accord. The spreadsheet sent back to me from New York City -- yes, it was a spreadsheet, but we all knew she leaves very, very dorky shoes to fill -- was not far from my own thoughts on the matter.


We salute, first of all, the semifinalists. Their dorky credentials are impeccable. They should be proud of their achievements this DorkFest, and are only a few odd hobbies, tastes, compulsions, skills, or obsessions away from making a run on the title next year. They are the DorkFest 2008 Semifinalists, and may proudly announce themselves as such on their resumes, letterhead, or Facebook profile.
Sandy - Cries "I've tried all my life to be cool" in a desparate, shrill voice.
la gringissima - Dressed up as Salvador Dalai Lama, twice.
d - Dangerously into fonts.
Mrs.5000 - Eggs me on.
boo - Has a puppet and uses it.
Morgan - Morgan would likely have been among the finalists had he not submitted his strongest evidence after the conclave had wrapped up. The youngest entrant by several years, Morgan is definitely a man to watch in future competitive dorkiness.


We celebrate now those who rose out of the pack to Strut their Dork with remarkable convinction and aplomb!

Phineas - The conclave agonized over this choice, as Phineas seems so... there's no nice way to say it... well-adjusted. What finally tipped him over the line was his reading regimen and, moreso, his badgering his daughter to attest to his dorkiness. That was pretty dorky!

MJ - Here's someone who says she (?) had to force herself to stop collecting stamps. Think about that for a minute. Someone who learned English in order to read "Hagar the Horrible." Awesome. Plus, the whole mismatched sock thing. A very solid contribution to the 'Fest!

Jennifer - If I may just quote from my notes: "Reads encrypted text-based adventure games fluently. Has memorized some but not all Presidents. Wonders if DorkFest is her birthday present. Believes in justice. Schedules wardrobe. Throws secret holidays. Can't take the suspense." Wow! Winner of two special awards, too. Special Commendation from G: "Specialized Dork." Also: "Runner-Up, Most Improved Dork."

Rhetorical Twist - With an apparent crush on a Latin American educational theorist and a penchant for revealing hidden ideology behind animated filmed entertainment, Rhetorical Twist posted a solid entry. She reads critical theory for fun. Dorky! Special commendation for academic dorkiness.

Blythe - A last-possible-second entry revealed exciting new intel about Oklahoma's most self-deprecating dork. The Victorian doily-making phase made a big impression on the judges, an impression of that mingled sense of admiration and pity one feels for the very greatest dorks. The best thing about Blythe's entry is that one feels she hasn't yet peaked in competitive dorkiness.

Yankee in England - Compulsive behavior and science fiction are many a dork's close companions, and both were woven through Yank's multiple contributions to DorkFest. Quirky as can be, her transatlantic entries were a real asset to the occasion.

The Second Runner-Up

After a year of flawless service as Vice Dork, Fingerstothebone put together another powerful and credible entry. From her elaborate algorythms for the organization of everyday life to her impeccable record-keeping, to her presentation of all of the above in a menu format, Fingers is always a force to be reckoned with on the field of Dork. Also, she has her sister's vote. And I'm still blushing about that whole St. Teresa thing. Hats off for the Honorable Vice Dork Emeritus Fingerstothebone!

Vice Dork

The runner up of DorkFest 2007 refers to herself as the "dorkiest dang dork" in Thailand! She cross stitches as an alternative to alcohol and marijuana use, does fan fiction, respects square dancing, and gets pretty worked up about a good flag contest. Parades, she says, make her "cry for joy." Wow! She's dorky, and flies her dork flag in style. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you: Vice Dork Rebel!
Rebel says: I am too busy seething in resentment of the as yet unnamed Dork of the year - who is clearly not nearly as qualified for the position as I am, and will not do nearly as good a job as I would have done - to comment on this announcement.

I am already very pleased with her performance.

Rebel also wins first place in the "Most Improved Dork" category, for which she will be awarded a special prize: a Velcro Desk Organizer Kit donated by L&TM5K reader Margaret!!

Habemus Dorkam!

In accordance with the ancient rituals, G has been struck three times on the forehead with a small silver hammer while I called out her real name, not just "G," and she failed to respond or giggle. And thus the way is clear for the new Dork to assume his title.

Yes, "his."

For if publishing a daily critical analysis of the New York Times Crossword Puzzle weren't enough; if publishing comic deconstructions of pulp paperback covers weren't enough; if making his wife compete and then heckling her entry (albeit gently) weren't enough; as if that picture of his desk weren't enough... I've lost track of where I was going with this. But c'mon, people -- he's writing a werewolf novel! He's still griping about DorkFest '07! He ran a private tournament of the Shakespeare plays!

He's got the depth, he's got the breadth, and now he's got the Mr. Shain Memorial $16.40 Starbucks Giftcard!

Gentle Readers, I present the Winner of DorkFest 2008, the new L&TM5K Dork, Rex Parker!
Rex says: I'd like to take this occasion to announce my official retirement from competitive dorking. I love being a dork, but, well, It's just gotten so commercial.
Thanks for the honor. I'll try to live up to whatever standards there might be for a post such as the one I now occupy.
One notes, of course, that this is the second time Rex has claimed to be above the fray in competitive dorkiness in a week. And look what happened last time.

And Thanks

To all of you who contributed to making DorkFest 2008 the best DorkFest ever! See you next year!


Morgan said...

Congrats Rex!

Anonymous said...

Straight up dope fine for Rex!

I printed out that crossword and took it to school to do and made copies. I think it will be loved.

Mad props to Rebel as well. w00t!

Now I must go do a status update on the FB!

G said...

Yeah, Rex pretends to be all nonchalant, but you can be pretty darn sure he jumped around the room in glee for about 10 minutes straight when he found out.

*golf clap*

Anonymous said...

Wow, I'm getting that sappy end of the movie feeling that justice has been served and all is well. . .

fingerstothebone said...

I got demoted? Wah!

Now I'll have to hatch TWO evil plots in order to ascend to the lofty position of Arch Dork, the Grand Poobah of all Dorkdom?!

Rebel said...

I'll take a brief break from my seething to say Congratulations Rex... you are pretty dorky.

I'm super excited about my desk organizer btw!

Yankee in England said...

I have already begun researching underwater basket weaving courses in the area in a attempt at the crown next year. Congrats to Rex and Rebel (I think you were cheated Rebel but hey if your going to loose, loose to the man with the crossword shoes).

And wow finalist I never knew I was that dorky I finally feel like I have found the social group I was meant to belong to.

MJ said...

i can't believe i'm a finalist. well, i'm proud of myself, thanks to you all i'm not ashamed anymore!

congratulations, Rex!

Rex Parker said...

No, Rebel, your original response was the proper one. I admire seething resentment like you wouldn't believe. You should have seen me last year ("G!" - shouted while shaking fist at sky).

When I see the people I defeated - I'm still laughing at the phrase "had to force herself to stop collecting stamps" - I feel something like humbled. At least I think that's what this sensation is. It's ... unfamiliar.

Advice for future competitors - be ruthless and desperate, and leave Nothing in your arsenal. Make ample use of taunting (thanks, Rebel). Oh, and use your family (Phineas's strongest gambit). Deference is fine, to a point, but in the end you pretty much have to pound your tray like an unfed baby.

Thanks, judges. You know, M5K, you really should create badges for me and "G" to display on our blogs. If you really wanna officialize this.


G said...

I would very much enjoy a badge. ...Even if I have to design it myself.

Also, I would like to mention that I am going to dress up as Salvador Dali Lama for Halloween because, well, it's just fabulous.

Nichim said...

I bow before you, Dork Rex.

If I'd've known reading critical theory for fun could get me points, I might've tried harder. Look out, future competitions! And thanks for the inspiration to let my own dork light shine.

gl. said...

ah, fingers: always a dorksmaid, never a dork!

also, congrats to the biggest dork in thailand, rebel!

Chance said...

I didn't enter, yet some part of me still expected to win.

I was robbed I tells ya.

Michael5000 said...

@Boo: I think you're going to be a strong contestant next year.

@Mrs.5000: Justice HAS been served! All IS well!

@fingers: Not demoted! You're the Honorable Vice Dork Emeritus! You have to admit it's a grand title!

On the other hand, evil plots are always welcome.

@Reb: You're doing a heckuva job on the seething....

@MJ: You rocked the DorkFest! Well done.

@Rex: I have been thinking about badges. Hold that thought.

@Nichim: I do think you have what it takes to hold your own in a DorkFest. Just sayin.

@Chance: Well, at least this wasn't a repeat of last year, where you came out as the Least Dorky Reader. Ouch!

McGuff said...

After scanning the competition and concluding that just maybe I wasn't such a big dork after all, the bittersweet irony of making the finals has lead to newfound resentment, now simmering slightly.

I fear that the "well balanced" act is actually a passive agressive coverup for not truly and fully embracing my personal dorkness, primarily the result of too much berry-flavored vodka. That, or I kind of rushed through the whole deal.

I am compelled to point out that my wife and daughter squealed in delight when I asked them to attest to my dorkness, though it required a parental power play to see it through.

I am surpised by the lack of attention garnered by the phrase "All these books reside in, and have been read nearly in their entirety, in the water closet in my master bathroom.". C'mon. I even grossed myself out when I realized that.

All in all, the level of play was impressive and the contest fair. Rebel, fingers - well done. And in the end, I'm thankful for recognizing Rex Parker, in advance of his coronation, as my personal savior and lord. Though that phrase is now pretty well creeping me out.

Michael5000 said...

@Phineas: Mrs.5000 was, I should say, particularly impressed with your bathroom reading.

Your deification of Rex creeps me out a little, too -- but in a good way.

fingerstothebone said...

Let me try this again:

I must say that the Good Prince, having scanned through the entries, and without the aid of a spreadsheet, and before the official announcement, pronounced Rex Parker clearly the winner. He's been told often that he's got a 3rd eye, so maybe that's what it's good for— -- dork detection?

Michael5000 said...

And now we know the sweet story of how the Good Prince found his Good Princess.....