It was a rigorous and exhausting conclave for the Honorable Dork Emeritus G and I. From the no fewer than 27 people who submitted some form of dorky credentials, we had to choose the very dorkiest. It was no mean feat. And yet, in the end, we were in considerable accord. The spreadsheet sent back to me from New York City -- yes, it was a spreadsheet, but we all knew she leaves very, very dorky shoes to fill -- was not far from my own thoughts on the matter.
We salute, first of all, the semifinalists. Their dorky credentials are impeccable. They should be proud of their achievements this DorkFest, and are only a few odd hobbies, tastes, compulsions, skills, or obsessions away from making a run on the title next year. They are the DorkFest 2008 Semifinalists, and may proudly announce themselves as such on their resumes, letterhead, or Facebook profile.
Sandy - Cries "I've tried all my life to be cool" in a desparate, shrill voice.
la gringissima - Dressed up as Salvador Dalai Lama, twice.
d - Dangerously into fonts.
Mrs.5000 - Eggs me on.
boo - Has a puppet and uses it.
Morgan - Morgan would likely have been among the finalists had he not submitted his strongest evidence after the conclave had wrapped up. The youngest entrant by several years, Morgan is definitely a man to watch in future competitive dorkiness.
We celebrate now those who rose out of the pack to Strut their Dork with remarkable convinction and aplomb!
Phineas - The conclave agonized over this choice, as Phineas seems so... there's no nice way to say it... well-adjusted. What finally tipped him over the line was his reading regimen and, moreso, his badgering his daughter to attest to his dorkiness. That was pretty dorky!
MJ - Here's someone who says she (?) had to force herself to stop collecting stamps. Think about that for a minute. Someone who learned English in order to read "Hagar the Horrible." Awesome. Plus, the whole mismatched sock thing. A very solid contribution to the 'Fest!
Jennifer - If I may just quote from my notes: "Reads encrypted text-based adventure games fluently. Has memorized some but not all Presidents. Wonders if DorkFest is her birthday present. Believes in justice. Schedules wardrobe. Throws secret holidays. Can't take the suspense." Wow! Winner of two special awards, too. Special Commendation from G: "Specialized Dork." Also: "Runner-Up, Most Improved Dork."
Rhetorical Twist - With an apparent crush on a Latin American educational theorist and a penchant for revealing hidden ideology behind animated filmed entertainment, Rhetorical Twist posted a solid entry. She reads critical theory for fun. Dorky! Special commendation for academic dorkiness.
Blythe - A last-possible-second entry revealed exciting new intel about Oklahoma's most self-deprecating dork. The Victorian doily-making phase made a big impression on the judges, an impression of that mingled sense of admiration and pity one feels for the very greatest dorks. The best thing about Blythe's entry is that one feels she hasn't yet peaked in competitive dorkiness.
Yankee in England - Compulsive behavior and science fiction are many a dork's close companions, and both were woven through Yank's multiple contributions to DorkFest. Quirky as can be, her transatlantic entries were a real asset to the occasion.
The Second Runner-Up
After a year of flawless service as Vice Dork, Fingerstothebone put together another powerful and credible entry. From her elaborate algorythms for the organization of everyday life to her impeccable record-keeping, to her presentation of all of the above in a menu format, Fingers is always a force to be reckoned with on the field of Dork. Also, she has her sister's vote. And I'm still blushing about that whole St. Teresa thing. Hats off for the Honorable Vice Dork Emeritus Fingerstothebone!
The runner up of DorkFest 2007 refers to herself as the "dorkiest dang dork" in Thailand! She cross stitches as an alternative to alcohol and marijuana use, does fan fiction, respects square dancing, and gets pretty worked up about a good flag contest. Parades, she says, make her "cry for joy." Wow! She's dorky, and flies her dork flag in style. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you: Vice Dork Rebel!
Rebel says: I am too busy seething in resentment of the as yet unnamed Dork of the year - who is clearly not nearly as qualified for the position as I am, and will not do nearly as good a job as I would have done - to comment on this announcement.
I am already very pleased with her performance.
Rebel also wins first place in the "Most Improved Dork" category, for which she will be awarded a special prize: a Velcro Desk Organizer Kit donated by L&TM5K reader Margaret!!
In accordance with the ancient rituals, G has been struck three times on the forehead with a small silver hammer while I called out her real name, not just "G," and she failed to respond or giggle. And thus the way is clear for the new Dork to assume his title.
For if publishing a daily critical analysis of the New York Times Crossword Puzzle weren't enough; if publishing comic deconstructions of pulp paperback covers weren't enough; if making his wife compete and then heckling her entry (albeit gently) weren't enough; as if that picture of his desk weren't enough... I've lost track of where I was going with this. But c'mon, people -- he's writing a werewolf novel! He's still griping about DorkFest '07! He ran a private tournament of the Shakespeare plays!
He's got the depth, he's got the breadth, and now he's got the Mr. Shain Memorial $16.40 Starbucks Giftcard!
Gentle Readers, I present the Winner of DorkFest 2008, the new L&TM5K Dork, Rex Parker!
Rex says: I'd like to take this occasion to announce my official retirement from competitive dorking. I love being a dork, but, well, It's just gotten so commercial.One notes, of course, that this is the second time Rex has claimed to be above the fray in competitive dorkiness in a week. And look what happened last time.
Thanks for the honor. I'll try to live up to whatever standards there might be for a post such as the one I now occupy.
To all of you who contributed to making DorkFest 2008 the best DorkFest ever! See you next year!