Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Complete FaceBook Quizzes

So, as you know, a couple of weeks ago everybody and their dog started taking these little personality quizzes on the Facebooks. "What City are you?" was maybe the first one I saw. "What animal are you?" "What movie are you?" And the obvious variations.

Never one to buck a trend, I decided to get in on the action, and started taking some quizzes myself. Here, ripped straight from the Facebook stati, are my highly revealing results!

Michael5000 took the quiz "Which Former Mongolian Prime Minister Are You?" Michael is SHARAVYN GUNGAADORJ. With only a short term of office, you represent the transition from a totalitarian client state to relative democracy. After elections, you work in the private sector and take occasional parliamentary and ambassadorial posts.

Michael5000 has taken the quiz "What Varietal of Papaver Orientale Are You?" Michael is P. ORIENTALE 'CEDRIC MORRIS'! You bear very large, soft pink flowers, each petal with a black basal mark. A hardy perennial in cooler areas, you are usually short-lived or even treated as an annual in climates where winters are warm.

Michael5000 took the What Early Medieval Germanic Proto-State Are You? quiz and the result is THE SECOND BURGUNDIAN KINGDOM. An ally of the last remnants of the Roman Empire, you were the first of the Germanic societies to develop an indiginous code of law. Intradynastic violence and intrigue weakened your administrative institutions, however, which contributed to your being crushed by the Franks in 534 A.D.
At this point, Cartophiliac reprinted these first three in a note titled "Michael5000 takes better quizzes than you do." One of his commenters expressed some sadness that there were no quizzes about main-belt asteroids, so I went and found him one:

Michael5000 took the What Main-Belt Asteroid Are You? quiz and the result is 10356 RUDOLFSTEINER. You are pretty much like all of the other thousands of main-belt asteroids, a bleak and barren thing consigned to an enternal and pointless journey around the sun, year after year after year.

Michael5000 took the quiz Which Oregon Revised Statute Are You? and the result is ORS 461.030 LOCAL LAWS PREEMPTED, APPLICABILITY OF OTHER LAWS; SEVERABILITY. You prohibit local governments in Oregon from creating laws regulating gambling. You exist in order to make sure that nobody tries to mess with the lottery!
Somewhere around here, MyDogIsChelsea made the remark "Michael5000 took the How Nerdy Are You? quiz and the result is OFF THE CHARTS" which I took as high praise, coming from her.

Michael5000 took the quiz "Which Avignon Pope Are You?" and the result is POPE JOHN XXII. You are outgoing and ambitious, often clashing with the Holy Roman Emporer over issues of church versus secular authority and over his support of the Franciscan orders. Like most of the other Avignon Popes, you are generally considered to have been more or less in the pocket of the French crown.

Michael5000 took the quiz "What Metalloid Element Are You?" and the result is: You are ANTIMONY. You are a silvery white solid that doesn't conduct either heat or electricity very well. You tend to vaporize at low temperatures, but you are valued as a fire retardant in many manufactured products.

But that's the last of 'em. But not, as you might think, because I would worry about beating a joke to death. Rather, because it's just getting too hard to stay ahead of the curve.

The Weekend WTF!

It has been really inspiring to watch the American food industry respond with such intelligence, responsibility, and forethought to the crises of obeisity and lifestyle diseases that have struck our society.

"The NEW limited edition BUTTERFINGER® Buzz bar," according to its website, "combines the BUTTERFINGER® taste you love with as much caffeine as the leading energy drink."

For the curious:

The most interesting statistic for me is the 2 x 52 grams sheer SIZE of this sucker. That's basically a quarter pound of pure candy. Normally, of course, that would knock you down like a tranquilizer dart -- except, not with the caffeine! Hell, have another!

The marketing campaign for this food product, clearly designed by clever, clever things who know all about the concept of "viral" and "social engineering" and such, is to encourage people to get a very close haircut (a "buzz," get it?) and then stencil the product logo onto their hair in orange paint. (note to fingerstothebone: Go for it! You are already halfway there!). If you do this, you are paid for your trouble with a coupon for a free candy bar! And the sinking realization that you are among the most pliable tools on the planet!


Elaine said...

Butterfinger! Used to be my favorite, favorite candy bar...til I found Zagnut. How long has it been since I had a Butterfinger? About 15 years, maybe more. But I notice it has a low sodium content!...(Ears prick up)...

What about the "Which Quilting Fabric Line Are YOu?" Quiz?? The "What Hebrew King Are You?" Quiz? Don't choose the cop-out quizzes!

MJ said...

I can't believe there is no quiz about certain Baltic state.

boo said...

Another good thing about the FB hiatus. Whew. This a way better read.

The buzzed up Snickers came here a bit back. It's a tough weigh on the funny v. sad scale that.

I imagine the same folks who would believe the high fructose "is fine in moderation" commercials would think these spaz candies a great idea.

fingerstothebone said...

I go away for a little bit, and you talk about me behind my back?!

Michael5000 said...

Oh, so THAT's why you got the short haircut!